


Sayuki Steps In

by TheOneAndOnly1993



Series: Love in Kamihama [7]
Category: Magia Record: Puella Magi Madoka Magica Side Story
Genre: (Climax only though), Accidental Relationship, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Emotional Baggage, Established Relationship, F/F, Insecurity, Inspired by Music, Loss of Limbs, Near Death Experiences, Not Cheating, Rena cussing, Songfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:47:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26109685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOneAndOnly1993/pseuds/TheOneAndOnly1993
Summary: Things haven't been easy for Kaede or Rena, least of all their relationship. But somehow, someway, they make it work - they have for three years now.A chance meeting with magical girl and beloved idol Sayuki Fumino threatens all of that. But if their bond could so easily be broken by this, was it ever that strong to begin with?(NOTE: Does NOT need previous works for context)
Relationships: Akino Kaede/Minami Rena, Minami Rena/Fumino Sayuki
Series: Love in Kamihama [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1740484
Comments: 17
Kudos: 27





	1. The Strain

A cicada’s drone overlapped another’s—the summer heat tinted in nature’s dial tone, backdropping Kaede and Rena’s sandals slapping against concrete. 

Only broken by the insects’ melody pausing for a breather, this summer song persisted unbidden across three more blocks until, finally, “Hold up.” Brought to physicality by an outstretched arm, the suddenness staggered Kaede body and soul. 

Three years later, and there still lingered a subconscious fear of, generally speaking, “making Rena-chan mad.” 

Despite her sensing it the same time Rena had: “Looks like Scoopy Doo’s special will have to wait until next Friday, Rena.” 

Said tsundere scowled at the burnt orange sky, as if cursing it and the gods and the monster who got in the way of her “hundred-yen-per-scoop tower ice cream.” 

“Fuckin’ Witches.” Kaede grunted in agreement as their soul gems flashed into an egg-shaped jewel, leaving just one ring upon their fingers. “If we’re quick we can still—” 

“I’m not running for ice cream, Rena.” 

“Then I will!” She led her redhead to an alley hidden from view. “Whadda ya want?!” 

“Yours. And you.” An impish smile’s effect was decimated by the flames clearly raging within Kaede’s cheeks. 

Rena scoffed, feeling her own catching fire. “Cheese-ball.” 

“You love it.” They flashed into their uniforms. 

“When did I say I hated it?” Rena snapped. Kaede just giggled, laughing at her, really. Or so it felt—like, “ha-ha, you overreact sooo much, Rena-chan! It’s so dumb!” 

Three years later, and there still lingered a subconscious fear of, generally speaking, “making Kaede annoyed by my habits.” 

Neither had tackled these deep-seated issues since they started dating. Never head-on, anyway. They only buried one another’s anxieties in a quilt of reassurances: a smothering of different variations of, “I understand how you feel, and I’m just as bad, so I’ve no right to complain.” 

A quilt of trite patterns was this. Cheaply made, risked unravelling under the slightest strain. A strain that hadn’t risked their security blanket for three years now, weathering many petty arguments. 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Teenagers don’t know shit about the world. 

Like they’re told up and down, down and up, of how drinking and driving should just not go together. They’re told that their judgement is impaired, the reaction time is slowed, their movements slow—everything about them is just not as sharp as when they’re sober, even with a little bit of poison in their system. 

But they think to themselves that it wouldn’t happen to them, of course not! They’re not those guys! They’ll be better! 

And then a single moment, a single split second passes they couldn’t see coming, and changes everything in an instant. Like a car suddenly in one’s blind spot, or a pedestrian sprinting across the road. 

Teenagers don’t know shit about the world, but it’s worse for magical girls. Crueller—because they go through more shit and ought to know better than the average teenager. 

But, no. 

No, if anything, they’re exactly the fucking same, albeit imbued with the power to kill a truckload of people in one go, and the latent ability to become something that induces suicides and mass murders if they get a little too emotional. 

Teenagers, magical girls—even if they believe themselves knowing of all things they’re acquainted with (fighting Witches in puellas’ case), a single second could irrevocably change everything.

Just everything: the mood of the fight, the atmosphere of it. The confidence of the combatant, the thrill of battle, the ecstasy of being attuned with another. 

And stupid bullshit love-sickness, the way Rena’s brain got all soft when comboing with Kaede. But her fog had cleared. Rather, it was whisked away in a hurricane that lasted half a heartbeat but lingered still, pulling at her guts from their weighty roots in the Labyrinthian quilting. 

A hurricane that came and went in the form of a Witch’s literal fucking laser canon. A hurricane which was a feint—a hurricane that somehow deciphered one city stronger than the other, and feinted a weak wind to the stronger before doubling down and incinerating the harmless village of Akino Kaede in one gutting blast. 

There wasn’t even a scream. Not from Kaede anyway. 

Smoke and copper. Crimson smoke—blood mist. Kaede’s. 

Kaede’s torso slapped, no, clawed the quilting. Clawed through it, clear only by the centimeter she stole away from the encroaching tsunami. Horror. It was horror—a pain-wrenched face despite her meaty tendrils slithering behind, the one thing that made her Akino Kaede and not a zombie masquerade.

That’s right: magical girls were veritable undead now.

So it didn’t fucking matter what happened to Rena.

_ “Soooo weak,”  _ purred Rena’s inner voice, a falsetto of her own. 

_ No,  _ she thought, slapping herself in the heart. _ Not now. _

_ “Weak as ever, body and soul.” _

_ Anytime but now, this won’t help! Go away! _

_ “You’d gotten what you always wanted—Kaede’s hurt, and now she’s going to be mad at you. Why wouldn’t she be?”  _

The four-snaked Witch with its marble statues that glowed red aimed for Kaede. 

_ “She is going to die because of you, trash-Rena-chan!”  _

Rena screamed, and as she screamed the bloody scene before her was impeded by a massive mop of blue hair balancing atop a single leg, its one eye the visage of a mirror leering to the sight its master had inadvertently wrought. 

And then,  _ “Don’t!”  _ A high-pitched voice Rena had never… that she’d heard before?  _ “STOP IT!”  _

**_“I WON’T LET YOU HURT THEEEEM!”_ ** This squeal punctuated the rising of a headless, robed swordsman, easily one of the tallest Witches Rena had ever seen. Half a second it appeared, standing tall, then the next it rose its katana. Another half flickered by, the sword suddenly erect at his side, the Witch in two smoky pieces, and Labyrinth was suddenly Kamihama Central Park. 

Rena fell to her knees, hitting the grass in the thigh-high socks of her school uniform. Kaede almost died because of her, she was cut in half because of her; 

Some other magical girl had to save her instead of Rena. 

And thus, she screamed. 


	2. Cut me down, Sayu-Sayu!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rena gets so close to Sayuki that she sees more than Kaede bargained for.

Kamihama Central Park rose its grassy fingers around Kaede’s half, as if trying to drag her to Hell itself. 

“Fuck, Kaede!” Rena tore through the shaded clearing, nuking the birdsong above with a slurry of F-bombs on every step. “Fuck,” she hissed, “fuck-fuck-FUCK!” 

Her girlfriend rose. 

“Kae—! K-Kaede?” Rena gasped, slowed to a jog.

Slowed by the sight of Kaede rising on two legs, that is. “Y’don’t… hafta… Rena.” She mumbled like it was the morning after a night together, and stood equally as stable, staggering on her… her two new legs. “M’fine.” 

“The fuck…?” Rena froze in equal parts awe and disgust. 

It was bad enough that they were made from vines, ten-toed instead of five not unlike the trunks of trees, and dolled up in death lilies of all things. 

“Y’don’t hafta carry me... Rena-chan… M’fine.” 

It was made worse by the way those vines twisted round her entrails—snaking up within Kaede’s torso beyond where a singed borderline abruptly ended her below the navel. 

“M’fine.” Kaede couldn’t even lift her head. Maybe it was equal parts shame and pain. 

But Rena was about to watch her die moments ago. That’s what it felt like. Now she was witnessing some dark comedy or body horror, she didn’t know which. She couldn’t even ask a thing worthwhile—because of course Kaede was in pain, and of course she needed to see the Coordinator. Of course they couldn’t just walk there with Kaede like this, and of course she wasn’t going to agree with any of these “of courses” because even in these defiant throes of consciousness, Kaede was trying to reassure Rena that everything was hunky-fuckin’-dorey. 

“Shoulda jumped… instead… instead o’ makin’ a vine... shield.” Kaede wheezed… twice. A chuckle, maybe. 

Good lord, right then and there it was made abundantly clear that Rena’s “of course” assumptions were right on the money. And that sucked. 

It sucked because Kaede wasn’t mad at her. 

It sucked more because Kaede didn’t even care that Rena had been standing there watching her, then and now, like a mouthbreather. 

It sucked worse because Rena was still loitering like a mouthbreather, then and now, instead of allowing herself to emote like the proper freaking-the-fuck-out girlfriend she was inside. 

What sucked most of all, however, was that Rena had the gall to get mad over all of this instead of doing anything that would be helpful to her bisected fiance. 

A round face crowned in wild salmon-pink hair slid into view, pigtails flouncing. “Heya!” 

“Uh.” She looked like Sayu-Sayu for some reason. 

“It’s lookin’ like you’ll need some help, getting your friend to Coordinator-san’s!” 

“Uh.” She  _ literally  _ sounded like Sayuki for some reason. 

“I can give her a boost there, if you’d like?” This girl in some grade-A Sayuki cosplay brought her feet together, tapped her chin in genuine thought. Kaede swayed like a Jenga tower behind her. “Hmm… Know what? I will! For not being fast enough, I will! I’m really super fast, just watch!” 

This cutie just scooped up Kaede in a bridal-carry, winked suddenly enough to make one’s heart stop, turned, and launched so hard it nearly blew Rena off her feet. 

It seemed like it did. 

But Rena was unconscious before her head even hit the grass. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The following day, Kaede was dragging Rena by the hand into a restaurant she managed to sprint a good one foot away from. 

“No! Stop! You lied to me!” Rena cried, galloping in place. 

“You and I—!” Kaede grit her teeth, digging her heels into the concrete and yanking. “BOTH KNOW!” She tugged Rena’s arm to and fro. “That I didn’t! And that would  _ never  _ be the reason for you to turn down a rotating sushi bar, besides!” 

“Okay, FINE!” Rena snapped, making a server on the far end of the restaurant within to whirl on them in surprise.

The catalyst of this conflict sat directly beside them, smirk hidden by tinted glass. The pair and their cartoonish squabble was reminiscent of her two dearest friends, who also happened to be magical girls. 

Still fighting to run, Rena said, “I’m running because I don’t wanna say anything stupid to Sayu-Sayu, obviously!” 

“But aren’t you, like, her biggest fan?” 

“Does a bear shit in the woods?” 

“Then why the heck would she think badly of you?! You should know she’s not like that!” 

“You never know for sure! And even if she doesn’t, I’d still be saying something awkward and cringey to Sayu-Sayu, and I’d like to live the rest of my life without taking that risk, thank you very much!” 

Kaede muttered, “Yet you took a risk with me.” 

“Don’t do that, this is completely different! And  _ that’s  _ emotional manipulation, Kaede!” 

“Well does a Sayuki sing in the, uh, concert hall?” 

“The hell?” 

“Ugh! I’m saying that my ‘emotional manipulation’ is and always has been just embarrassing you into doing and saying what you really wanna do and say!” Kaede breathed. “And I  _ know  _ you’re dying to talk to her, you asked me five times if I’m ‘really, actually sure’ it was her who saved me yesterday.” 

Rena’s struggle was strengthened anew, thrashing in Kaede’s vice grip like a snake in a trap. “Didn’t think I’d actually get the chance to  _ meet  _ my idol, though!” 

“But of course I’d get her number, Rena! You  _ love  _ Sayuki!” 

“Stop!” Rena thrashed. “Making!” And thrashed. “Good!” And thrashed. “ARGUMENTS!” 

“You’re embarrassing yourself more in causing a scene!” 

“Why do you think I’m trying harder now?!” 

“Rena!” 

_ “Kaede!”  _

_ “At least thank Sayuki for saving me!” _

Rena froze. “Wha— _ AUGH!?”  _ No longer resisted, Kaede’s unbidden magical girl-strength yanked Rena so hard it knocked the wind out of them both—twice in that instant upon hitting the sidewalk. “Sorry. What was that you said?” 

Kaede closed around Rena’s stomach, whispering into her neck: “At the very least, you could thank your idol for getting me to Mitama-san’s while you were too shocked to move.” There was nothing Rena could say, for or against, her own disgrace. “Idol or not, I  _ know  _ you couldn’t live with yourself if you didn’t thank my savior.” 

Rena laid a hand upon Kaede’s, resulting in their caress upon her belly to tighten gently. “Sorry.” 

“It’s okay, Rena. If I saw you in the state that I was in, I’d also be too—” 

She was tuned out immediately, as such reassurances of empathy were more often than not nowadays. For Rena knew Kaede understood; but that didn’t mean she never got annoyed. Rena usually had conversely—empathized yet lashed out. But Kaede never had, even when they were friends. 

Sometimes she wished Kaede would for once insert a “not” between “it’s” and “okay.” Rarely, she wished Kaede wouldn’t be so dependent on their relationship—even as Rena got all choked up thinking about it, herself the receiver of such pure love. Almost never, but still at times, she wished Kaede would stop making her feel like a freak for wanting such hatred. 

They had the ideal relationship. Rena should be happy. She was! But she should  _ only  _ feel happy—not sad, angry, and lesser on top of it. 

Rena sighed to herself, for herself; to Kaede, and for Kaede. “Alright.” 

Her girlfriend choked. “E-eh? Sorry, Rena, I was rambling wasn’t I?” 

Thankfully a direct response wasn’t always expected from her. “We’re totally in public giving off lovers’ vibes here, baka—hugging me in the middle of the sidewalk like this. Save it for when we get home.” Perturbed pedestrians stepped around the publicly “spooning” couple. 

A soft chuckle, and Kaede couldn’t help herself from smacking the back of Rena’s ear with her lips, nor Rena a blush from growing. “And you’re not resisting, and in front of Sayu-Sayu, no less,” she murmured. 

This clicked, suddenly. 

Rena screeched. 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Kaede watched. 

She was quite good at it—before she became a magical girl, before she even tended her own garden and cared for her own critters, she was the best in class at watching. Whether it be from the outfield in gym, or the lunch table in the corner, few ever paid any mind to Crybaby Akino-san. It was like her observation skills, her inductive reasoning, were somehow tied to popularity in the eyes of her peers.

But Kaede had always watched. Observed. Pondered and concluded. 

Always. 

And so Kaede watched Rena and Sayuki following the awkward introductions. She watched as her girlfriend tripped hopelessly on every word, as Sayuki giggled good-naturedly. She watched as Sayuki took Rena’s fangirling in stride, answering her questions about this song and that. with the pep and cuteness Kaede never, ever forgot about since their very first show together as a couple. 

She watched Rena’s eyes glow as bright as her smile whenever the idol opened her mouth.

She watched Sayuki’s eyes glaze over, her smile sag when the conversation lulled. 

She watched her glow return when Rena would open her mouth, only to die again when it was her turn to speak. 

She watched as an awkward third wheel silently sipping water. Kaede pondered more and more as Rena’s speech returned, but not to normalcy—it was bouncy, like they were at a concert. 

Then the bill came. A couple hours passed. Kaede hadn’t realized. Sayuki insisted on covering it, and Rena begrudgingly, playfully, relented. 

Kaede watched all of this, observed their faces—the tint of red in each, the softness of Rena’s and the flawlessness of Sayuki’s. The swell of both their chests and the clifface of her own. She pondered the number of smiles, concluding that this was undoubtedly the best day of Rena’s life.

Even before she’d said those exact words herself on the walk home. 

But that might have been because she got Sayuki’s phone number. Not at all because Kaede was the one to do it, to insist on it. No, she didn’t even thank Kaede for that, she was probably fangirling too hard to realize the “blade-bearing beauty” looked as sad as Rena herself did at times. 

And she didn’t need to thank Kaede for making them friends, besides. 

Seeing Rena this happy was good enough. 

Or…

At least…

It should have been.

Because watching Rena, she looked the happiest she’d ever been these last four years. 

She’d always smiled differently when they were together, for sure. Dare Kaede suggest “romantically.” And there were moments of their relationship where Rena professed her love to Kaede with reassurances that no one will ever be as good as her. 

But Rena also never thought she’d meet her idol. 

Sayuki’s behavior was also oddly human. That felt mean to muse, but it was so surreal seeing a celebrity exhibit more than the single emotion she peddled onstage. Kaede had observed her, pondered her likeness to Rena—even as her girlfriend was knuckle-deep within her—but only concluded she was trying desperately to find a logical reason for their connection. Like they had a subconscious familiarity or something, and that’s where this warmth and comfort came from. 

But no. 

Sayuki could just be playing up an act. 

She would never fraternize with a fan. 

And that’s what Kaede had challenged. 

Not to make Rena happy, not to make Sayuki happy, but instead it was a gamble to make herself happy. 

Kaede was disgusting, she concluded last, have felt sick to her stomach as Sayuki begged for Rena’s phone number on Kaede’s very own suggestion. Worse still, it was a battle Kaede found herself drawn to partake in despite herself—disarming Rena’s flimsy excuses one after another, all of which generally culminating in, “You wouldn’t wanna be friends with me.” She caved in the face of Kaede’s love, still, at least. 

Conveniently, she only finally caved once Sayuki said, “I would love to be friends with you, Rena-chan!” They’d exchanged LINEs after Rena recomposed herself, the act compounding Kaede’s guts in mockery for practically begging Sayuki to take Rena away from her and then feeling betrayed about it. 

Yes, Kaede was most certainly disgusting.

If this was a taste of Rena’s insecurities—that is to say, like Kaede’s but a dozen notches worse—then it’s no wonder she felt justified stalking her girlfriend on the many play dates she had with Sayuki. 

This feeling was awful, her inability to resist it only half the reason. 

For Kaede had spent the last three years saying that it was normal, and by extension, these awful feelings as well: being so jealous one couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, so afraid that you’d find yourself alone, even if you simply ask if there was any weight to feeling this way. 

For Rena would hate Kaede if she turned around and mistrusted her back, she would call her a hypocrite. She would be a hundred-and-ten-percent justified in slapping Kaede with the fact that she herself was the one who arranged the first date, and the exchange of numbers after. 

Kaede was a hypocrite. 

Kaede was a fool. 

A stupid teenager who, until now, hadn’t felt a modicum of the intense insecurity and self-loathing that her girlfriend had all this time. 

And Kaede deserved to stalk their every moment together, their every smile and laugh and deep, personal conversation. 

To lose Rena to Sayuki—someone as fucked up as her, as empathetic and supportive as Kaede but far, far more beautiful and charismatic than she—it was the least Kaede deserved. 

She deserved this awful feeling, the way it drove her to sit back and watch every painful moment. 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The roar of rollerbladers grew, groaned, and died passing by in an instant, one after the next. 

The racket of the rink barely registered with Rena—there was only her hands in Sayuki’s, and the smooth, scratched floor slipping her feet this way and that. 

“Why did I agree to this?” she cried.

Soft giggling in front of her.. “Sorry I used my puppy-dog eyes on ya, Rena-chan!” 

Rena tried to see the idol’s adorable face, but could only go as high as the kneepads upholding a pair of smooth thighs. “I can make my own decisions, dammit! I woulda said ‘no’ if I really didn’t wanna!” 

“Maybe you just wanted to hold hands with yours truly?” 

Scoffing, Rena said, “A thought like that woulda definitely made me say ‘no.’” 

“True,” Sayuki sighed, gliding them both around the bend of the rink without so much as a glance behind. Maybe. “If there’s one thing I know aboutcha for sure, it’s that you’re not a selfish person.” 

A sickness bit deep within, guttingly so. “Sayu…” Rena swallowed, reconsidered, but decided against running; if they were to be friends, if she were to be worthy of Sayuki’s time, the least she could do as a fan was put in the same effort the idol did in her shows. “Sayu, you don’t know a thing about me if that’s what you’re confident about.” 

“Oh? And do you think I’m the confident limit-breaker my songs portray me as?” Sayuki’s smile didn’t reach her eyes. “There’s that face,” she tutted. “I was beginning to wonder what it went.”

“Hey, this is hard—!” 

“I mean it, Rena-chan.” Her hands were squeezed. “Your eyes are almost always on the ground—” 

“‘Cause that’s where they belong, probably.” She didn’t think twice, for Sayuki’s gaze was so intense, and her words before alongside Rena’s self-appointed vow coiled deathly tight round her heart: “You really, seriously don’t know me, Sayu. I’m pretty jacked up, to put it lightly. Nasty, in a word.” 

Sayuki’s soft face was firm as stone. “You hadn’t said that since we first met last week.” A chortle pushed out of her. “You’re super interesting, Rena-chan. How can you say stuff like that while looking your beloved blade-bearing beauty in the eye, but overthink so much else?” 

Fear ignited all of Rena’s nerves at once. “I-I don’t overthink! Who told you that? Kaede?!” It was that fear which set her cheeks afire, an apology set upon her tongue. 

An apology which died as Sayuki threw her head back and laughed, high and sweet as the muse she truly was. “For the bajillionth time, Rena-chan, I hadn’t seen Kaede-chan since the sushi bar! You gotta trust your girlfriend, at least a little.” 

“But I do,” Rena cried. “I do, I really do. I just… I dunno, I’m telling you—basically warning ya—that I’m all sorts of messed up, but get scared thinking you know more than I thought. And… I never wanna think I’m so transparent, because I’ve spent my entire life building up this nasty persona of mine to prevent that.” 

“And if you fail at that,” a soft voice continued, “then what was the point of all that suffering?” Rena couldn’t recall a time before this when she  _ didn’t  _ see a shred of positivity on Sayu’s face. 

“Do you…?” she ventured. 

Sayuki huffed with a smile, her bare shoulders bobbing once. “Like I said that first day, I actually don’t write the majority of my songs myself. I review and edit them, but outside of ‘Pop Step Punch’ and ‘Cleave Me in Twine…’” Sayuki shook her head, a hapless smile in place—like she couldn’t help herself to drop what had to be an act. “Y’know how all my songs in some way center around bettering yourself, being proud of yourself?” 

“It’s why I love you.” 

Rena felt like an idiot on the spot, or she would have had Sayuki giggled once again instead of turning as crimson as Kaede’s hair, her gaze falling on the shared vice grip between them. “Um…” She laughed breathily. “Sorry, what was I saying, Rena-chan?” 

_ God she’s always so cute.  _ Rena swallowed. “Y-your songs, you were talking about your—” 

“Oh, yeah, yeah. Well… Rena-chan, you take my songs to heart. Dearly so.” Rena hesitated; she nodded, thinking Sayuki was waiting for that as she continued, “And you’re not the only fan who does. So… who would I be if I didn’t try as hard as my fans? To live up to those lyrics and the feelings they experience because of those?” 

“After all…” Sayuki’s hands clasped upon her heart, “after all, I don’t think we’re so different. I pretend I’m something I’m really not; I  _ try to be _ something I’m not, as I work myself dead-tired into the night, trying to memorize those lyrics on top of math formulae for the next day’s test.” 

“So… who would I be,” she mumbled, “if I just gave up ‘cause it became too much?” 

Sayuki opened and looked Rena in the eye, in the soul, through her own veil of tears and Rena’s and said, “I’d be a pretty nasty person, too. Nee?” 

That sounded about right. Or rather, it was familiar—painfully so. She snuffled, tried to keep a stiff upper lip as she looked off to the side, to the people-packed lobby living lives not unlike their own, Rena’s and Sayuki’s, despite the fact that they were no longer “Human,” Rena said aloud. 

She blinked, as did Sayuki. 

“It’d make you human,” Rena said with Kaede’s mouth, she believed as the words left her own lips. 

“A nasty one. And a liar, too.” She was smiling so well. Convincingly, not so different from Rena’s infamously venomous attitude. 

This must be how Kaede saw her, even when they first met, Rena realized. “Still a human, a pretty normal one at that. So quit your bitching.” She plastered on a smirk, because God forbid Sayuki feel offended when Rena was trying desperately to make the greatest idol in the world not hate herself as much. 

Sayuki threw her head back and laughed, tears flying from her lashes as she clutched her belly. “You’re so cool, Rena-chan!” 

_ She just said I was cool. _ “What the fuck?!”  _ Sayuki thinks I’m cool even though I’m a loser at best.  _ “BAKA!”  _ Oh my god I’m cool Sayuki said I’m cool I’m cool oh my god.  _

“And hey, you’ve been keeping steady for the last minute without me!” Sayuki paddled backwards, out of reach as she threw up a thumb. “ _ Nicu jobuh! _ ” 

“Yeah, well, I have my moments if I don’t think too hard.” Rena laughed, even despite the dampness neath her bangs and arms—thank goodness she went sleeveless for this, she thought in the back of her head. 

“Jelly!” Sayuki paddled left and right, hands behind her back. “I gotta think real  _ super  _ hard to have mine!” 

“Then you’re a quick thinker, so I’m jelly back!” 

“Huh?” 

“I feel a little bit better ‘cause of what you said!” Rena threw her left foot aside, and miraculously she didn’t fall, so she did the same to her right. Coolness kissed at the sweat of her flesh. 

“About what?” Sayuki asked, turning round once they were side by side. “Rena-chan?” 

“I dunno,” she confessed. “I just feel better. In general.” Rena was being honest, but not entirely—it’d be rude to write it off, to even say, that it was because Sayu-Sayu seemed to have as much baggage as her and Kaede. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A great grey wolf opened its great maw and yawned greatly, albeit soundlessly. 

Not unlike those she paid no mind to, the smaller wolves rolling around in the grass, nipping one another in the necks, or the pair off to the side taking turns nibbling debris from one another’s coats. 

“They mate for life, you know… Kaede, she always moans about wishing her and I were turned to wolves when we made our contracts instead of magical girls. That way, we’d never have to worry about other people’s opinions. We wouldn’t have to care about proper behavior. It would just be us and our pack—the girls we made our family.” 

“You sound like you want that, too.” 

Rena dropped her face and proceeded swiftly to the zebra sanctuary. Sayuki’s sandals slapped up behind her after a peep of surprise. “I lied,” she apologized. “Kaede only ever said that first part, that we were wolves. I just sorta…” 

Sayuki hummed, drawing Rena aside—by accident—to a selflessly-generous view down her blouse. “You sorta,” the idol drawled, “know her well enough to read between the lines?” 

She was dead right, and it sounded embarrassing coming from somebody else. Presumptuous besides. “M’sure Kaede really just wants that so we could bang all day without a care in the world.” 

“You do that already.” 

“But every day.” 

Sayuki snorted. “Is Kaede seriously that kind of person?” 

“No, I am,” Rena blurted out.  _ Why do I always end up revealing more in a single sentence to Sayuki than I ever have with Kaede?  _

She whirled on her friend. “Don’t you fucking dare tell her I said that. Kaede’d take my past resistance as some kinda sleight. Or worse, I’d give up the act and we’d end up doing nothing but screwing each other stupid.” 

“Jiminy Crickets, so lewd—the both of you!” 

“I just can’t believe you’re a twenty-one-year-old virgin.” 

Sayuki jumped out in front of her, bouncing about with puffed cheeks. “You meanie, Rena-chan! You said there was nothing wrong with that!” 

“I wasn’t making fun, baka! I’m just surprised that you of all people have never had, you know, a partner,” Rena finished lamely. She still couldn’t believe that that was all they had been talking about since seeing some giraffes going at it. 

It was only a matter of time before the conversation would get to this point; truly, Rena was more surprised that it took over a month to reach it, even more so that she herself made so cringey a “joke” as to bring up her and Kaede’s private life to damn Sayuki of all people. 

“What’s so surprising about that?” She crossed her arms, fluffing up her extremities. “You’re telling me you believe those cheap tabloids? I’ll have you know my hymen it still in— _ tmmf! _ ”

Rena blushed, unable to resist blushing at both the new information and the warm Sayu-spit in her palm. “You’re so fucking stupid, Sayuki! Fuck!” she hissed. “A fan could overhear, y’know!” 

Unmoving as a statue, Sayuki sighed through her nose, her shoulders and clenched hands plummeting after. Rena could feel the heat of her flesh, the scorching-red on her cheeks until Sayuki gingerly peeled her away. “Sorry,” she said. “Kinda TMI. But I get enough hassle from scummy reporters, is all I’m saying! I don’t want my friends thinking I’m a floozy.” 

Rena whirled away, hiding from the woman who named her a friend. “I… was actually afraid to believe those phony forum posts and articles,” she said. “I like thinking you’re pure.” 

A silence stretched for a year-long second—long enough for what she’d said to hit. Rena whirled back, drawing Sayuki’s downcast gaze in surprise. “N-not that you have to be! Fuck no, that’s-that’s impossible! I’m just saying that… that, uh…” 

That as sexy as she was, Sayuki shouldn’t give herself—bare herself—to anyone but the person she loved.

“When it was Kaede and mine, our first time…” A list of factoids about lions met Rena, almost in the mouth; they had passed the zebras at some point. “That was the first time anyone saw me… like that. It was pretty scary.” 

“Us ladies don’t wanna be judged, especially when it’s by our lovers.” Sayuki was smiling sadly. “I get it, even if I’d never experienced it.” 

“But neither of us—” Rena stopped herself, but the head tilt of her friend and idol was cute enough to somehow grant her courage. “You and me, Sayu, we don’t gotta ‘reason’ to be afraid of that. Know, uh, y’know what I m-mean?” she mumbled. 

A blank sheet of paper stood before her, for a solid five seconds until a thousand words exploded across Sayuki’s face. “Oh! Like that we’re both hot, right? Is that what you’re saying?” 

She was often like this, so excited for the lightbulb going off in her head that she forgot to be embarrassed, or check herself. 

“S-sure. I mean, yeah.” Rena shook her head. “It’s weird, though, that we’re still afraid, yeah?” 

Sayuki shrugged. “Not really. There’s a lot of stuff we shouldn’t be afraid of, but we are. Like me, I’m always thinking about any one of my fans hating me.” 

A little conceited, but her confidence on and now off-stage was something Rena aspired to. And she wouldn’t hesitate to label the so-called “fans” Sayuki feared as complete idiots. Idiots that set unrealistic expectations on a girl who was, at the end of the day, just another human prone to erring. 

“You got anything like that, Rena-chan?” 

It came so suddenly that none of it registered. “Huh? Sorry?” 

Sayuki’s hands folded behind her back, her smile sad but sweet as it often was off-stage—as far as Rena could see. “It’s fine if you don’t, or if you don’t feel comfortable answering. I was just wondering if there’s anything you know will never be true, but are afraid of it anyway.” 

It was clear where Sayuki was taking this, suddenly. “It’s the idea that gets to us, I suppose.” The crowd of potential eavesdroppers, couples and families alike, were easier to pretend confessing this to: “Me, it’s Kaede leaving me for someone with less stuff going on.” 

“But... she proposed to you, right? Like, you’re gonna get married someday. You even showed me that letter—” 

_ “Yeah I know I showed you the letter!”  _ Never. Never again would Rena recall that memory, the madness which possessed her to break her vow and share it with another soul after mentioning it off-hand to Sayuki, who squealed in delight at every line and read it over twice and asked for details upon details that Rena couldn’t help but divulge, albeit clumsily, partially on purpose. Totally on purpose, and not out of humiliation. 

“So Kaede’s probably never gonna leave you. You’re practically wolves already! Mated for life, fighting together.” Sayuki sighed like being flea-ridden and smelly and unable to talk or eat chocolate was the most romantic bullshit in the world. Kaede and Sayuki would probably get along great if her wife-to-be wasn’t such an anxious ball of nerves. “But yeah, you have what you want and you’re terrified of losing it. Huh, maybe that’s the ‘why’ behind these illogical fears we all got.” 

“In a broad sense, probably.” Most definitely, but Rena refused to do that thing she always had, sounding like an expert on something she likely wasn’t right about. Not in front of Sayuki. 

“No, I think I’m onto something here! I do, I do!” Sayuki strolled away toward the lion sanctuary, chin held in thought. “Like, you and me, Rena-chan, when it comes down to it, the two of us wished for Kyubey to give us friends.” 

Everything within Rena—her feet, heart, thoughts and feelings—froze, then started up immediately once again. 

This was the first time Sayuki said a thing about her wish. Now Rena was too scared to wonder but couldn’t help herself from thinking: was there a reason? Like, would her new friend have said anything if she’d mustered the balls to ask, or had her silence this whole time been related to a more personal, messed-up reason? 

All of this culminated in a single, instantaneous notion borne of that frozen moment—Sayuki and Rena were frighteningly alike, in a manner deeper than surface-level passions and hobbies. 

“No one will believe you. But you’re definitely gonna hate me for this.” A stranger mumbled where Sayuki had walked beside Rena prior. 

But Sayuki was there, her face low, her eyes hooded in bangs. Gone was her smile. “You see, Rena-chan, I’m pretty… pretty selfish too. Way more than you.” Gone was her pep. Gona was her glow. “‘Cause... ‘cause unlike you, m-my wish…” 

Her voice wavered. It wasn’t Sayuki’s. But Sayuki was still here—this was Sayuki, just not the one anybody knew. 

No one except for Rena, who realized she herself was just as real, as real as this moment, for Sayuki was looking directly at her and validating it as such. Sayuki’s trademark pigtails were missing though, combined into a fluffy ponytail; she was in an orange blouse, jean shorts bedazzled with sequins aligned in a heart shape on either hip. She had sandals, and toes painted orange; it suddenly occurred to all reality that Sayuki’s feet weren’t hidden in designer shoes or her famous performance garb that, in reality, doubled as her magical girl uniform. 

This, all of it, was a big deal despite her having slept over once. 

They went to a hot spring—Rena’s first time with someone other than Kaede—and this was a big deal despite the occurrence. 

“Rena-chan?!” 

Gravity yanked at the back of Rena’s head, the lampposts and banners of Kamihama Zoo sweeping into view. Something rushed up to meet her back, the concrete somehow softer than it was meant to be. 

Their zoo trip ended early, but not because of the heat combined with skipping breakfast like Rena fibbed. 

It might have been because she admitted her thanks for Sayuki coming into her life. That was a weird and cringey thing to say in retrospect. 

Because all Sayuki had said in response—all that Rena could remember that night—was her self-proclaimed selfish wish. 

A wish borne of the tired, hollow ache Rena understood well; to have friends who loved swords as much as she did. A wish that, in Sayuki’s opinion, could only be realized by the Incubators if she was forced into a specific role, one that took her preexisting love of singing to the next level. A role where she could have the desired, unspecified amount of friends who would get “excited” with her about them. 

A selfish, thoughtless wish Sayuki Fumino made that changed the lives of thousands of fans like Rena. “Brainwashed” was her word choice, however. 

But then she left with hoarse goodbyes after pretending she wasn’t choking back tears—an easy thing when Rena was too terrified to utter a single word. 

Or rather, a single word beyond a simple three: 

“I’m still glad.” 

That night, Rena thought long and hard as she overlooked her bin of souvenir glow stick katanas. Their luster was long gone, but until now she had never believed her eyes. Not until Rena thought of herself, her own wish. 

Not once did she doubt her ears or heart, though. 

In retrospect, back at the zoo, getting lightheaded at the surrealness of it all hadn’t been an overreaction.

And though it pained her, so badly it did she cried by the trash can outside, Rena tossed that box of glow-katanas away alongside every poster of the fake Sayu-Sayu fans thought they knew. The one who smiled adorably in every official photo and piece of merch. The one who seemed perfect because she tried her hardest and was true to herself. 

The Sayuki Fumino she thought she’d known was dead. The real idol was a normal girl with normal problems, a normal body and normal fashion. She was Rena’s friend and she hated herself but pretended she didn’t for the sake of those she loved. 

And Rena loved Sayuki, still. After hearing what she had, she couldn’t not. Not when she herself was no better. But that felt mean, saying “no better,” because that would imply Sayuki was bad when she wasn’t. She wasn’t nasty or selfish, she was still amazing. Even more so now, Rena’s heart skipped a beat as this occurred. She herself was still worse, but if  _ she  _ was, truly, then Sayuki must be not-so-great either. But she was—great, that is—which meant that Rena…

Rena… 

_ Look,  _ Rena told herself, taking a breath as she wiped her nose, knuckled her eyes. The trash can was pungent, made her overthink with stupid thoughts is all.  _ Look, the only reason I’m tossing all of this crap is because it’d be disrespectful to Sayu-Sayu.  _

_ I mean, how many times has she been forced to look at that smile in the posters when we’d hang out?  _

_ How many memories have I made her relive, where she had to pretend that nothing bothered her as badly as my own bullshit does me?  _

_ If I went on pretending that Sayuki was this angelic being greater than me…  _

_ Well… _

_ I’d be…  _

_ I’d be just as bad as Kaede.  _

_ And there’s no way in fucking Hell I’d wanna make Sayuki feel that way.  _

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Rena called Kaede the next day, apologizing but “demanding” they change their date plans. 

Sayuki was hurting badly, and needed a friend who understood. 

Little did the three of them know, it was to be the last day Rena would call Sayuki a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The proposal is in reference to the third chapter of my Kaede/Rena oneshot collection. Next chapter is when the ugly emotion-stuff bubbles over.


	3. Sayuki Steps Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayuki leaves behind a mess in every way but the one she hoped.

_“Discover treasure in all around you_

_Why not hold on,_

_Hold on to what you love?”_

Kaede stretched towards Heaven then slapped her nightstand, muffling Sayuki’s squeaky voice.

_Poo on Rena for making that my ringtone when she calls,_ a caveman part of Kaede’s brain grumbled, small and reactionary. Her eyes popped open to a bottomless blue sky, ears perked to her parents’ chatter floating down the hall to her door. 

Kaede smiled into her pillow. _Finally, Sunday! And Rena’s calling!_ A good old date night would reassert these awful thoughts about Rena as ridiculous fiction. _As I always had with her. And how long have we been dating now?_ sneered a lurch in her gut. Kaede mentally shrugged it off. 

Pulling her phone over—the id pic displaying a forever-funny snap of her mortified, blushing Rena—Kaede thumbed the green button, propping herself on an elbow and her face the phone itself. “Good morning, love.” 

Silence—Kaede’s gut plummeted in the second it took Rena to reply: “Morning,” she murmured. 

Yesterday tore through her: Sayuki choking back tears whilst running past, leaving Kaede pathetically unable—and somewhat unwilling—to run over and reassure her girlfriend she did nothing wrong.

“That was lacking your morning curtness, Rena,” Kaede teased, feigning ignorance. 

“Sh-shut up!” The speaker crackled. “I never mean it rudely, talking on the phone just makes me nervous, is all!” 

Rena had gone from aggressively dishonest to aggressively honest these last several years, if only around Kaede. But it was a start, a step in the right direction so wholesome that Kaede couldn’t stifle her giggle. 

“I know, I know. You’re so cute, Rena.” 

“Stop it already!” Quiet screamed with echoes of Rena’s distress. “Just stop… Don’t be nice to me right now.” 

The tension must be broken. “You didn’t kiss Sayu-Sayu, didja?” Anxiety’s pinch bled pain into her coyness. The silence rotted meanwhile. “R-Rena—?” 

“Never in a million years. Don’t even joke about that.” Neither softspoken nor lashing with embarrassment, horrific to hear—Kaede was a jackass. “You seriously think I’d leave you for Sayu?” 

Absolutely. “It was a bad joke. I’ll refrain from making it again. Sorry, Rena-chan.” 

“I love you.” 

Kaede sucked in a breath. “I l-love you, too.” _When did our dynamic ever reverse like that?_ The answer was known like many others too pathetic to acknowledge. Because doing so would make them real, and yet, Kaede deserved punishment for it: “But did something happen at the zoo, yesterday? You seem angry with yourself.” 

“Just that I thought Sayu was a perfect human being.” 

_Like you think of me?_ “Everybody has problems, Rena-chan.” 

“No shit, but Sayuki—,” Rena grunted. She inhaled sharply, let out a breath. “Sayu’s _me,_ Kaede. She’s so much like me that it… I… feel like… _crying_ when I think about it for too long.” 

Despite the “why” of this, Rena’s voice lurched so sharply it slashed Kaede. _Her pain is mine,_ “Did you finally get to hear about the wish she’d made?” 

A grunt implied it was more than she bargained for. “It’s all I’ve been able to think about since getting home, after she… she ran away.” 

Half a heartbeat later, Kaede realized this was a confession. “Oh! M-my goodness, Rena! Why? I hope it’s not because of something you said.” 

“I said next to nothing, Kaede! Not a damn thing. She was so embarrassed, and I couldn’t say a single damn thing until after she ran off.” 

Kaede breathed in, counted to five— _I can see where this is going._ And with any other person in Sayuki’s shoes there would be zero hesitation in Kaede’s heart. But she was obligated, as Rena’s empathetic, supportive, not-allowed-to-be-fucked-up girlfriend, to rush to the point of this call and allow what she was expected to allow in this situation: 

“We can reschedule our date for next Sunday.” 

“Kaede,” Rena breathed. . 

“Sayuki needs you.” Those three words took a pound of flesh with them. Kaede kept a smile as if Rena could sense it by voice alone. 

“You’re… amazing.” When was the last time she said such a thing, and that it didn’t have to do with Sayuki? _Get the hell over yourself, Kaede—you knew long ago that “amazing” was not your word._

“Thank you for understanding. Seriously,” said Rena. 

“It’s nothing. Really.” It was a lose-lose situation. _You’d never forgive me if I didn’t allow this, even if you convinced yourself that I was._

“I’ll treat you to dinner!” Rena stammered, “A-and ice cream after! And after that, I’ll take care of you completely! You won’t have to do a thing!” 

Kaede inhaled quiet, rolling her eyes which stung as though welled in burning saltwater. “We both know that’s a reward for you,” she acted, her lilt teasing. 

“Unrelated. But you _are_ pretty damn relentless.” 

It killed to have to play the part of a Kaede that Rena expected. “Not once in all these years have I heard a complaint. Therefore, as an actual punishment for last-minute-canceling, you’re gonna hafta to fulfill… hmm, three of my special requests on top of that.” 

The cell phone groaned. “Fine, but does that include the weird one?” 

“That goes without saying.” 

Rena chuckled despite this. “Gotcha. I hear ya, Kaede.” Silence sweated its way in. “You sure you’re not mad at me?” 

_Could you be any more vague?_ Yes, but not really; Rena hadn’t done anything wrong, yet she was being painfully oblivious—has been this past month—and Kaede was more angry with herself besides for not being honest. But she couldn’t be… could she? Should she, rather? Either way she’d been stupid from the start, dismissive of Rena’s anxieties at the very least—

“Oi, Kaede!” 

Something within spoke for her: “Nobody likes last minute cancellations, Rena-chan. Especially when they’re being changed in favor of your second favorite person in the world.” 

“Who do you take me for? I do _not_ love Sayuki more than you, Momoko, my folks or my kid brothers.” 

The fact that Kaede didn’t fully believe her was terrifying: _This is what it’s like to be Rena-chan. This, right here, is a taste of what it’s been like to have me as a girlfriend._

“K-Kaede—?” 

“Sayuki needs you more, Rena.” Kaede took another breath, and found herself speechless. Thoughtless. But she couldn’t leave it at that, too final. “I know you don’t want her hurting another second.” 

And Kaede hit “End Call” half a heartbeat later. Let Rena think she was upset over that; the reality was heinous, messy to put it simply. 

“MAMA! PAPA! _I’M GOING OUT WITH SOME FRIENDS!_ ” Kaede heard not words but the easiness in their tones, and knew their green light was given as she put a disguise together, her head screaming with Rena and Sayuki’s laughter. 

=====================================================

Her company was too lovely, humming too adorably. 

And the breeze blew agonizingly gently, while the cicadas buzzed too soothingly; the sun shone too warmly, and the blue dome above stretched too far, too perfectly. Not a blemish—not upon the sky, this setting, nor this moment. 

It was perfect for a date with Kaede. 

_I fucking hate myself._ Just what the hell did it say about Rena? _No, no. This isn’t about you right now, and Kaede—sh-she understood. She thinks I’m a good person, she always says I’m a good person._ Yeah, that’s right: Rena was a good person.

It took three years, give or take, but she was finally starting to see what Kaede meant. 

And the friend beside her was to be a trial run. 

“I didn’t think you wanted to see me again.” The sea rolling ahead had Sayuki’s attention, its countless green fingers churning out wave after wave of shimmers. ‘Nature’s LED sign,’ Kaede had said, marveling on this very spot. “At least, not so soon. After yesterday. Saying all that weird stuff, then running.” Sayuki smiled upon Rena then, as soft as her fluffy hair stirring in the breeze. “But here we are—here _I_ am: being treated to a lovely picnic.” 

A break in Rena’s guilt and anxiety: irritation. As she always had before contracting, she dove head-first into it, immersed herself fully in the emotion like armor. “Don’t think this was all for you, Sayu! This was originally Kaede and I’s date, and I was _so_ gonna wow her with this picnic. I spent all morning yesterday putting it together, too.” 

“Y-you didn’t have to—” 

“Shut up about that already! You’re right. I didn’t. But I really kinda _did._ Have to, I mean. _I mean…_ ugh, you’re my friend,” Rena sighed. “Of course I’d do this for you. So shut up and eat your egg sandwich already, before the mayo turns.” 

Sayuki tittered as she nibbled the corner of her sandwich and chewed. Watching from the corner of her eye, shed of rose-tinted goggles, Rena was really beginning to see how soft everything was about Sayuki, up close and offstage. From the way she spoke to the way she held herself so shyly; her baby-soft face and the way her pigtails stirred, soft as smoke—like Rena’s fingers would pass through completely. Completely opposite of the idol’s flesh, copious all over with no hard edges like Kaede: rather than skinny legs and knobby knees Sayuki’s lap was plush as a pillow. Rena pictured herself napping upon it and regretted it immediately, Kaede’s tears if she saw flashing forth. 

“This is super awkward, Rena-chan.” 

Chewed-up egg sandwich flew down Rena’s throat. Idiot she was, she coughed and hacked it up, apologizing between coughs but no matter how fast her sorries flew Sayuki didn’t look any less pitying. Or maybe it was with concern; Rena never knew which to trust between her hopes and reality. 

“Um…” Rena cleared her throat, looking upon her criss-crossed, sandaled feet as Sayuki was too much all of a sudden. “I…” 

Sayuki sighed, seemingly annoyed. Or tired. Maybe. She plucked at the grass blades fencing their blanket, smile fake as her stage persona. “You wanna talk about yesterday, I take it?” 

“No shit.” Rena mentally slapped herself, but not too hard as Sayuki chuckled. 

“You never mince words, Rena-chan. I get that you never mean the nastiness… But around you, I never have to think twice about whether or not you’re putting on airs.” 

Rena had always been honest, whether she meant to be or not. Kaede would always say as much. “Thanks, if that was a compliment.” 

“Of course it was. Do you think I’d—?” 

“What? Lie?” Rena startled her by looking Sayuki in the eye, just as suddenly shocked with herself. “S-sorry… M’sorry, I’ve… I was thinking about it all night. What you said. I thought I made peace with it—” 

“You don’t need to explain yourself. I get it.” 

“But it’s not right! It’s bullshit!” Rena snapped, tossing her sandwich half unto the paper plate. Because _I_ made a scummy, selfish wish, too! And I’m a liar—I have these negative thoughts about myself all the damn time—but I just stood there having the gall to feel like my whole pathetic life was a stupid-ass lie because of _that_!” 

“R-Rena-chan!” An orange handkerchief fluttered in the corner of Rena’s eye. Snatching it, wiping her eyes and cheeks of tears gave Sayuki a moment to breathe in. “I’m… I’m sorry,” she whimpered out of view. “I don’t know what exactly I’m apologizing for, but I feel like I hurt you so badly that a sorry, well, a sorry just feels more insulting than anything else, actually.” 

“I’m more sorry than you.” Rena sniffled, looking to her idol’s glossy-eyed, glossy ruddy-cheeked face. “You spilled your guts out and the best I could say back was a load o’ nothing.” 

Sayuki’s lips curved upward, hollow. Her eyes emptied so, dropping to the space of blanket between them. “That wasn’t what you think it was, Rena-chan, I promise.” 

Sure. Maybe Rena was in way over her head, overestimating the boundaries shared with a girl she’d only known for a month. _But Sayuki can be a bit of an airhead; she might not think I realize this was a cry for help._ If nothing else, the selfishness just implied was the simple act of daring to lighten her burdens by inconveniencing another. 

“Whatever. I know me, though, and I doubt my wish like you do.” She heard Sayuki’s surprised inhale, felt her face turn swiftly toward her; Rena felt the sky a far easier thing to confess this to. ““I’d never told anyone this. Not even Kaede, ‘cause I knew it would hurt her badly, if not ruin us completely.” 

“It was to become someone else, if I’m remembering right.” Silence. Rena grunted confirmation, more disappointed with that reminder than ever before. “You think it backfired, though,” said Sayuki. “Right? Like, it didn’t give you what you wanted, just a transformation power.” 

Rena breathed in. “Yeah,” she sighed. A cruel irony she deserved the fate of being a magical girl for, setting aside the darkness soon to be revealed. “Even if I got what I wanted, I’d never become someone other than bitchy Minami Rena.” Her fingers found themselves picking at the grass. Something therapeutic about the act distracted Rena from the black hole in her chest. “These last few years’ve made me see it differently, though. Sometimes. Like… in a way kinda like you do with yours.” 

“How? It’s not like your wish influenced other people—” 

“It could’ve, though! _You don’t know that!_ ” 

Sayuki shrank back, fists to her chest. “M’sorry. My tone, I don’t always catch it until after the words are out.” 

Rena shook her head, Sayuki’s tone already forgotten. “You just now, and Kaede, just questioning them sets me off like a powder keg. My feelings, I mean. Sh-she always… she makes my feelings… kinda sound ridiculous when she does that. I never hear the tone, like I completely forget that it’s from a place of caring.” Sayuki took a breath. “And I know,” she rambled, “I know it’s her job to make me feel better and get me out of my head. And she does a lot of the time, really. But sometimes?” Rena groaned, palm on her forehead; she was getting off track; this was about no one but Sayuki Fumino. “Anyway! Wh-what I’m tryna say is, I wouldn’t be anywhere near as tolerable as I am now without her. Without Kaede. I’d be totally alone if it wasn’t for her, even. Would still have Momoko, sure, but if not for her… well, let’s just say Rena’d feel really lonely, even with Momoko at her side, if she hadn’t made that wish.” 

“So… you think Kaede’s nurturing support is your wish being fulfilled?” 

_Dear God, to hear it said aloud by another. By my own idol, even…_ “Y-yeah.” Rena blinked, shook her head; she was back at the picnic with Sayuki. “Like my ability was _only_ ever my magic, _not_ Kyubey’s end of the bargain.” _It feels like truth now._ And truth felt like bile. “You’re way smarter than you give yourself credit for, Sayuki,” Rena croaked. 

A soft laugh. “I’m really honestly not.” 

“Shut up, you are.” _Stop acting like Kaede._ “You hit the damn nail on the damn head: it’s my fucking wish that crossed our paths, ours and Momoko’s even.” Sayuki breathed in, brows furrowed in objection. “Why else would I have people who’d tolerate my bullshit? And the perfect girlfriend? Our relationship? Tch, my ‘effort’ Kaede’s always going on about doesn’t mean _shit_ . I cheated, Sayu, I used _magic_. It probably twisted her brain because the only way I’d become a different person is if someone else’s life was ruined for me.” Not even magic could fix Rena’s soul, it needed to ruin someone else’s life by shackling them to her. 

Laughter burst from her soul, from a pressure in her eyes. Sayuki flinched away; Rena must have sounded insane right now. She sounded insane because this was insane and shit didn’t give a shit. 

“It probably changed Kaede, too, for all I know!” Rena tittered. “Twisting her up into the perfect partner that would suffer me for the rest of our lives.” 

“C-c’mon, you’re being a little melodramatic, I think, um, R-Rena-chan,” If nervousness had a form it would be Sayuki Fumino right here and now. 

_I always scare people I don’t mean to scare,_ Rena thought, somehow meeting her friend’s eyes. 

She smiled with knitted brows. “Doncha think Kaede’d notice if she found herself acting differently?” 

“None of your fans ever seemed to.” It was disgusting how satisfied Rena felt, seeing her words wipe away Sayuki’s naivety. “I’m sure our wishes didn’t take any poor sap to fulfill it. Just people who fit the need well enough to make it feel authentic.” 

At her broad lap, Sayuki swallowed. “You… thought this through, a lot.” 

Disappointment sank deep in her guts; Kaede would say something reassuring, and brainless, and full of emotion and just so fucking cute. “That’s not saying much. I thought of every paranoid thing you could think of—this would bound to cross my mind.” Rena’s life was too good not to, too blessed. 

Sayuki asked, “How come you never shared this with Kaede?” 

Now _that_ was saying something, and the hardness of Sayuki’s gaze suggested she knew that much, for Rena had thought of every paranoid thing she could think of and shared all but one of them with Kaede. Sayuki knew this, because Rena had told her as much more than once across these last couple weeks. 

“Because.” _Because…_ “‘Cause I know exactly how this would go.” _And I’m afraid of that._ “And because I do, and because I’m me, there’s no _fucking_ way I’m ever gonna tell her. I’ll be stuck in this damn mental loop forever if it means keeping this a secret.” And that was being generous, assuming Kaede’s words would be more than a verbal blanket for Rena to cocoon herself in but never hatch from. 

“Jeez, Rena-chan.” Sayuki sounded appalled, but she was simply staring a thousand yards out into the meadow. 

Her thoughts felt obvious, having been the very opposite of Rena yesterday at the zoo. “I can’t tell her—Kaede,” she replied, assumedly. “If for no other reason than I don’t wanna lose her.” 

“Rena…” Sayuki turned to her. 

“I told you time and again: I’m a nasty and selfish person.” 

“But if you think you manipulated Kaede so badly, then she deserves to know! A-at least,” she mumbled, “that’s how _I_ feel.” 

She had some fucking nerve for being an antsy social inept offstage. “Easy for you to say! You got it _easy_ , sounding batshit crazy if you ever broke the truth to your fans—!” 

_“You think that’s lucky?!”_ On her feet, fists trembling at her sides and her bottom lip atop a crumpled chin. Rena had made Sayuki cry. Rena had made Sayuki cry. Sayuki gasped—no, inhaled, and said, “You think I don’t know how you feel, just because it’s impossible for me to _ever_ be honest with my devoted fanbase?!” 

At some point, this had stopped being about making Sayuki feel better. 

“You think I don’t know how absolutely _miserable_ it feels?!” The milky flesh where her soul gem would nestle slapped neath her drumming. “To live a lie you can so easily escape from, but never will, because you’re afraid of being alone again?” 

Sayuki panted. And then, “That’s hell!” She cracked like a dying squeaky toy. “That’s complete hell and I feel so, _so_ sorry for you, Rena-chan, that you lived a life where you’re content to marry that feeling instead of trusting the girl who _genuinely wants to marry you!_ ” Sayuki tapped her forehead, grinning disbelief at the grassy expanse beside them. “Like, l-like you hate yourself _so much_ that you think going so far as to _date you_ , let alone talk marriage, was all in thanks to your vague little wish!” 

_“Shut the FUCK UP, Sayuki! You don’t know fucking FUCK-ALL about Kaede!”_ She flinched away an inch but held her gaze upon Rena, the stagger of her stiff little exhales battering Rena, throat and soul. “You’ve no clue what she’s like! How she’d blame herself while muttering about how ‘silly’ I am—Kaede’s code for ‘fucking moron,’ just an FYI! The same damn code where I know deep down she thinks that my problems are unfixable, all because _she_ can’t seem to make them go away!” 

No one. Had any. 

Fucking. 

Clue. 

Just how. 

Fucking. 

Insufferable it was. 

For your depression to constantly abuse a significant other. 

“Do you hate me now?” 

Rena blinked, the question looping twice, the look on Sayuki’s face taking twice as long—a glisten which flickered upon her painful smile. 

She asked again, “Do you hate me, Rena-chan, is that why you’re being so nasty with me?” 

Rena had made Sayuki cry. She nearly forgot in the rush of emotion, but she’d made Sayuki cry. “I…” There were no words. “I’m so fucking sorry.” They rang hollow in her breast, and must have in the idol’s ears. “I’m sorry.” This was supposed to be about relating to her and making her feel… just… not alone. Not alone in feeling like the worst in the world. “I’m sorry.” 

“R-Rena-chan—” 

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this.” Rena looked her in the eye; though her horror weighed egregious, surprise sparked in that darkness upon drinking in Sayuki’s shock. “I always—” Rena caught herself, chuckling only to choke on a sob. She coughed. Twice, hard. “Just like I almost had, I make everything about me.” 

“It’s the curse of we, the socially anxious.” 

Yeah, Sayuki had said before that she was the same—how everybody immediately thought derisively of her when the spotlight would turn upon her. ‘Moron,’ ‘idiot,’ ‘sword-loving loser,’ ‘boring.’ Rena’s blood boiled even now, as soon as it did the rage gave way to relief: 

“But I don’t hate you,” she cried. “You’re my friend, and it’s normal to get into fights. Nothing like this would end a friendship, get real!” No matter how many times she and Kaede said it did: the latter had always come crawling back. 

“You… can’t be serious, Rena-chan.” Sayuki staggered back, hands clasped against her throat. “Y-you can’t feel the same about me. Not… not after yesterday.” 

But she could: in-part Rena’s fangirlism for Sayu-Sayu, in-part her love of the idol as an idea, wholly her empathy for the fellow social inept that was suffering the effects of a boneheaded wish. 

“Feel a bit disillusioned, sure.” Rena shrugged, hoping she didn’t look as bothered as she felt. Still. “I’m more annoyed that you’re tryna get me to hate ya after spending all this time hanging out.” Arms crossed, Rena laid perturbation thick across her writhing heart. “If that’s what you wanted, you could’ve saved yourself the trouble and cussed me out. Considering it’s you, fans would believe that about as easily as they would a space cat being the reason why they love ya.” 

“Heh, you’re not wrong. Rena-chan.” Sayuki blinked away her final tears, leaving eyes hollow with only the residue of a broken heart. “In fact, though nothing like that crossed my mind, I almost decided against exchanging numbers and LINEs until the opportunity to confirm my fears arose in you.” The corners of her mouth twitched upward. “Breaking the heart of my nth ‘number one fan’ would definitely whisk away my selfish insecurities, doncha think?” 

So this whole time… “S-so what you’re saying is—” 

“Yep.” Her hoarseness was like nails on Rena’s chalkboard heart. “I’m that selfish, Rena-chan. I did warn you, didn’t I?” Sayuki snuffled, her eyes falling on the still-full picnic basket. “I was gonna let a Witch eat me, actually. But then I heard the way you screamed bloody murder after Kaede got blown in half.” That explained her doppel. “Horrible, right?” Sayuki asked, looking Rena in the eye. 

Here and now, gulping, she knew she had to say the first thing that came to mind. “Only if you just saved us in order to act on this plan, I’d think so. But I know that’s not you.” 

Her soft face twitched slack, her eyes glossy and wide. “Y-you don’t—” 

“No, but I _do_ know that that’s not you.” Sayuki was, after all, just like Rena. Right down to thinking with her heart instead of her brain. “And before we keep to this self-pity shit, if one thing of Kaede’s stuck, it’s the fact that no one does anything without at least some kind of self-interest driving it. So leave your angsting to the doujins.” 

Sayuki stiffened, as swift as frustration erupted ruddy across her face. “You might think you’re so cool right now,” she said, pointing, “but all I’m hearing is that my wish has definitely brainwashed you!” 

“That logic is so stupid, though!” Internal cringe towards the irony of all this was shoved aside, even as it burned upon Rena’s cheeks. “My love for you is fake? And so is everyone else’s? Gimme a break! This ‘horrible’ truth doesn’t change the fact that your music is one of the best things to have ever happened to me, and I know alotta people feel the same!”

“Rena-chan…” 

“You—!” She caught herself, brought her boiling blood and all that came with it down with a sigh and clenching fists. “Your songs, Sayu, they were always about giving it your all, and loving yourself. They were about your struggles, to improve and to be acceptable—at least, that’s how I saw ‘em,” Rena confessed to the pigeon-toed legs of her idol. “You weren’t just another cute idol to me. You felt like… like a friend who got me. Like really _got_ me.” 

“Stop it! Please…” 

Rena gestured no. “You’re one of the best things,” she croaked; breathed in and exhaled, “to have ever happened to me. If for nothing else than for bringing Momoko into my life, and eventually making Kaede half of mine.” 

There was a squeak cut off quick as it began. Sayuki’s hands were clapped upon her lips, shoulders and breasts heaving. 

“Stupid Rena made you cry anyway.” It was a fool’s errand, borne of a habit Kaede nearly succeeded in breaking; but Rena wouldn’t be who she was if she didn’t set unfair expectations for others, herself most of all. “So you could do or say all sorts of horrible things to me, Sayu. For being my bridge to happiness, I’ll always love you for that at least.” 

The silence screamed a heartbreaking reality: “Seems you’re at a loss now,” Rena said. Sayuki was searching the blanket, her shaking hands cupped before her, trembling like her lips. “M’sorry, Sayu, that you had to put up with me for a whole month to do this—” 

_“You’re wrong.”_

It was uttered so softly. So brokenly. “Huh?” But Rena heard it clear, and before a few minutes ago she hadn’t thought otherwise from what was just confirmed. Yet here she was, stupefied by Sayuki’s reveal. “Don’t tell me you actually ended up liking our time together. That’s such a cliche.” 

“Except that I always had!” Tears flew from Sayuki’s lashes. She winced, echoed softly, “I really, always had. This… what we had, it was never meant to go past our first playdate.” 

Rena only remembered being an awkward wreck at the aquarium, all but screaming her “knowledge” of the various critters via the flavor text for each tank. “S’not like I did anything special.” Just bad. Bad-bad-bad.

“Would you, please, step outside of your own head for once?” Her smile was small. Gentle. “You did something more special than you could ever imagine, Rena-chan: not once did you judge me for my failings, my clumsiness with words nor lapses in logic.” Red blossomed below her shifting eyes. “You lashed out to hide your own, and you called me out and ordered me around. You were so awkward, Rena-chan. So awkward, and so, so brave. I realized quickly that I could be just as genuine as you were with me.” 

Holy shit she really was just like Kaede as much as she was like Rena. “Y-you’re—I mean, I’m not all that hones—” A finger crowned in an orange nail sealed Rena’s lips. 

Sayuki’s gaze was upon her, eyes glistening nearly shut with a tiny smile to match. “You were genuine even while putting on airs. And…” She huffed, pulling back but not peeling away. “And I think, Rena-chan, that I fell for you so hard because I was surprised by the kind of fan you turned out to be. You honestly, really loved me.” 

“Now, part of me wants to go and do this with other fans.” Sayuki yanked her finger back, clasped her elbows. “But all of me knows there will never be anyone quite like Minami Rena-chan.” 

This wasn’t real. That wasn’t real, that was a lie. It had to be, because Sayuki—THE Sayuki—she saw value in Rena, basically treasured it, and that it was unique to her and and and fell for her she said she fell for Rena does that mean—

“I do think we should stop seeing each other, though.” 

Rena inhaled sharp. Sayuki’s bangs hid her eyes. “But why?” she somehow managed. 

“Because…” Sayuki’s hands scaled from her elbows, massaged her biceps. Squeezed them. “‘Cause I… I wanna... kiss… you. Kiss you. I wanna kiss you, badly.” 

Sayuki Fumino wanted to kiss Rena Minami. Sayuki Fumino wanted to kiss Rena Minami. She pinched herself but remained in this field with Sayuki Fumino, who wanted to kiss Rena Minami. “But I didn’t do anything.” 

Laughter huffed forth. “You’ve done plenty.” What looked like a self-embrace tightened, turning into one. “My feelings about my wish haven’t changed. But the things you said? For the first time since these thoughts invaded, I felt… I felt, Rena-chan, li-like I could actually _believe_ in the, y’know, in the love of my fans. Wish or not. At least to the extent that there’s truth to their feelings. ‘Cause, lemme tell ya…” 

Rena’s chin lifted, forced by Sayuki only in the sense that she initiated the appropriate muscles. 

“I can see, now, how much you love me.” And for the first time since meeting her, amidst a quiet moment at least, it felt as though Sayuki’s smile was equally as real. “Which is why,” she continued, her tone whisking it away, “I’m very sorry about this. But I gotta know.” 

Soft warmth captured Rena’s lips, so sudden and striking she gasped through her nose. This was real: the softness enveloping her bottom lip, massaging it so gently but nothing more. Nothing more! Rena pushed back, leaning hard, only to do so with too much force, it seemed, as Sayuki tore away, her gasp louder than the smack of their separation. 

But nowhere near as loud as the crack of flesh on flesh. Pain groaned raw in Rena’s cheek, the world snapped to the field she’d overlooked with Kaede across a dozen dates at least. 

None of this clicked before Sayuki shrilled, “You were supposed to slap _me_ , Rena! What about Kaede?!” 

Yeah. 

What about Kaede? 

Rena caressed the tingle in her cheek. _What did I just do?_ Not fight, not think, that's for sure. Feeling swelled within, burst forth unseemly. “I don’t know,” she cried.

"Are you kidding me?!"

“I can’t _not_ love you, Sayu!" The idol staggered back, disgust wrenching her face. "I can't stop caring just like that! nNot after everything we talked about this last month! I feel your pain too damn much, every damn week!” 

A sob huffed. Sayuki was smiling, palming her cheeks dry. “And it’s precisely because it isn’t every damn day, Rena-chan, that I feel we'd best part ways. For Kaede’s sake, as much as your own.” 

Rena had cheated on Kaede. 

She had cheated on Kaede and couldn’t agree more. 

"It's been fun. And... I'm sorry for everything." Sayuki whirled, squeaking as her composure shattered. 

She couldn't agree more. Rena was a girl who messed up and never asked to care so much, Sayuki was a girl who never asked for this stardom. But that didn’t stop Rena from screaming for Sayuki’s return as her figure dwindled in the distance, sprinting the way they came, vanishing behind the crest of the first hill and from Rena’s social life forever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was the pacing of this one? It was still a long conversation, but did it move alone faster than what I normally write?


	4. Kaede Steps Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaede makes a decisive move that's purely for Rena's benefit

  
  
  
  


From the dark screen of her phone, to the Akino apartment’s front door at the end of the hall—ten seconds passed. The state of both were the same. Kaede caught herself waiting for Rena once again, back in the present instead of a future where she’d pay for three years of abuse. 

Three damn years. It’d been a long time coming. 

The clippers, heavy in-hand, chomped into the bonsai tree, severing another protrusion as well as a chunk of leaves. 

Damn.

_ Damn _ , she didn’t even  _ see.  _ Not now, not ever. But she saw Rena today, at last clear as the blue outside the window. It replayed before her eyes, outside her bedroom window—Rena, from afar but clearly kissing Sayuki back instead of pushing her away. Kissing Sayuki back. Rena had done that. And on the weekend day always reserved for dates. 

Damn.

Kaede shook her head, eyes and thoughts trained on the present. Future, past - Kaede breathed in deep and exhaled them both until it was just the present that waved hello, like it did every morning, in the shape of her bonsai.  _ Get it together,  _ she exhaled, moving for the now-lopsided, leafy scaffold.  _ If you don’t, then you’ll be too emotional to be of any help to Rena.  _

And if Kaede couldn’t help Rena, why, then nothing would change. It’d be the same as it had been the last three years. 

A crunch zipped up Kaede’s forearm—her clippers snapping through tree-flesh, a shield to this resolve. Kaede made for another protrusion, because her cute little tree was a month overdue for a haircut. After a fourth, however, then a fifth and a sixth, Kaede couldn’t help but see more than the bonsai, couldn’t feel less than a hollowness howling to be filled. She saw the future again, branching out before her eyes like the sculpted fists of her little tree. 

At the end of each limb, like an explosion of green, a possible future stood erect and daring to be examined close. One was of Rena curled around Kaede, both naked on the surface alone: a retreat into the familiar, and from that branch there branched innumerable possibilities that all looked like the same leaf—stagnation and separation, if not sooner than later. Another limb terrified with the day’s event being victim of another, albeit different kind of cowardice; that Kaede would shield herself in a retreat of old habits, abusing Rena’s dependency and kindness in place of an anchor she could healthily call her own. The leaves showed Rena rotting away at the soul, forever unhappy, forever searching for another Sayuki if not pursuing the idol herself, regardless of her success or awareness of the unconscious effort like today’s heat-of-the-moment mistake surely was. Kaede had reduced Rena to such a state—her “savior.” 

More branches and visions followed, some of Rena slapping Kaede, others cursing the betrayal of her marriage proposal, or cussing at Kaede’s hypocrisy, and the leaves adorning each unable to decide between another slap for Kaede’s drama and years-long selfishness or, worse, daring to label the subconscious psychological abuse as a non-issue. Another showed what would happen if she ghosted Rena, if Kaede ripped the bandaid off whilst cowering. That seemed not as painful. Easy even. Grief suffocated this branch, but apologies lied in one leaf. Perhaps a return to the familiar—a single chance that they would change and grow stronger together. But the other leaves implied much pain and the threat of failure, the avoidance altogether depending on Rena and Kaede becoming uncharacteristically adept at communication. And to hurt Rena in such a way was so horrible that Kaede snipped away that notion altogether. Near the bonsai’s apex there was Sayuki, her and Rena happy and mature and healed by one another’s sides as wonderful as it was horrific. And above that Kaede saw the three of them alone, some leaves foretelling them all moving on, killing themselves, turning into Witches, and so many more possibilities and uncertainties that Kaede couldn’t begin to imagine where life would take them if separate ways were their destined routes. 

Kaede saw herself as she was in reality: staring through the body upholding and feeding these carefully tended possibilities. Everything hinged on that scrawny, malformed thing—just as their futures did upon today’s confession. Which had to be cut, which were worth keeping? They all looked worthy, they all felt necessary and possible and had no right to be cut out of the whole. 

It was too much. 

Perhaps saving this for another day, letting the possibilities grow wild…  _ prolonging the inevitable, and letting this one chance wither and die MAYBE— _ Kaede strangled and threw the scrawny, malformed thing aside. “Damn it all, I hate this!  _ I HATE this! _ ” she cried over the shattering of porcelain. Don howled, but Kaede shushed him and he whimpered away. 

_ I hate this.  _

Fully-automatic gunfire rattled her front door down the hall. Don barked back.  _ So far, so same-old.  _ Kaede shoved herself away from her desk. After throwing a wet towel across her bonsai’s corpse, a second bout of knocking and more knocking and Don’s barking loomed closer by the step. An arriving text message chirped in her pocket. The doorknob filled Kaede’s hand, and it was all too soon. 

This came way sooner than she realized—turning it would be the last thing Kaede did as the couple they’ve been the last three years. 

The pitiful period dotting the end of all the hugs. 

And the kisses. 

And the sweet nothings and the anxieties; the promises and the betrayals, all ranging from childish to relationship-threatening. The dates and the hunts, the dinners and the breakfasts, the hikes and the swims, the discrete hand holding in school versus the groping in the periphery edge of the public eye. The endless sex and the want for each other, the habits of one perceived as pet peeves of the other, blown up as crimes in the hell of their own minds. 

The love persevering for three years despite it all—dying at last with what had to be a ninety-percent probability, given Kaede’s fate and what Zola embodied. 

Maybe it didn’t have to be over. Maybe Rena wouldn’t hate Kaede for all the abuse. Maybe they could grow from this, stronger inside and closer together. Maybe Kaede was stuck in the hell of her own mind right now. Because, maybe, Rena actually  _ had  _ gotten better thanks to her, and this fluke with Sayuki—encouraged by Kaede despite fearing today’s exact mishap—was simply that, nothing deeper. Nothing. Nothing at all, just an incident wrought by negligence and an inability to be the partner Rena, not only needed, but deserved. 

She deserved so much. 

Most might not see it, but Rena had worked harder than anybody to become a person worthy of love, her own most of all. This morning’s confidence proved that, even if she were to deny it out of embarrassment. 

Who was Kaede to hog that all for herself? 

She made for the doorknob, only to find it filling her hand still. And the space between her fingers. Crushed like a soda can, molded into her grip like putty. 

“Fuyuu,” Kaede sighed, twisting and yanking and dreading the peak of a mountain’s wealth of shit in the form of her parents’ reaction.

It was disorienting to be suddenly met with a hip-holding Rena, flicking her head. “Finally!” With an eye roll she pushed her way inside. In the living room’s center, Don picked up his wagging hindquarters, panting as Rena’s hand approached. After some head-scratching and baby talk, he walked off toward the screen door, its warmth and breeze that sounded of birdsong. He looked back, an invitation to share in nature’s beauty. 

_ Sorry, baby,  _ thought Kaede.  _ Not today.  _

Rena held her waist, turning her smile on Kaede’s approach. “So, what’s up?” she asked, arching back a little, showing off a different outfit. “I could’ve still been out with Sayuki, y’know. If this’s an emergency...” 

The birds had stopped chirping, waiting for Kaede as well. “Yeah.” Jean shorts, tank top, cowgirl boots—a completely different outfit from the one worn earlier. A different vibe. ‘Notice me,’ it said, her curvy silhouette adding, ‘you know you can’t resist.’ 

“This is serious, Rena.” 

She turned fully, grabbing her other hip. “I  _ know  _ that. And I’m glad you caught me just as we were wrapping up. But it wouldn’t have been my fault if I couldn’t answer immediately.” 

_ You awful liar! _ She sat for at least a half hour, staring across the hills from beneath their “date tree” after Sayuki stormed off.  _ I doubt you even cared about kissing her back! You probably  _ like  _ it! _

“Of… course not,” Kaede worded carefully. “You were doing something way more important, Rena.” 

“N-no I wasn’t!” 

“But you canceled on me anyway!” And Rena was blown away, glaring. Unable to reply. “And… and I was okay with it!” Kaede told the floor. “You and Sayuki…”  _ I was okay with all of it. I let this happen, and because of that, it was  _ going  _ to happen.  _ “You didn’t…  _ do…  _ anything  _ wrong _ . Rena.”

Her arms crossed. “Look… I’m sorry for canceling our date—” 

“I said it’s  _ fine _ , this morning and now.” 

“Clearly.” 

“Crystal.” And Rena flinched as Kaede met her eyes so suddenly. “You honestly think you did something wrong? Do you  _ really  _ feel that a ‘we need to talk’ is warranted for just helping a friend in their time of need?” 

“Kaede—”

“Am I really such an awful, jealous person in your eyes, Rena?”  _ Deep down you don’t think I am. You’re just scared right now.  _

“Wh-what the heck-else could you be mad about, then?!” Rena groaned into her palm. “Dammit!  _ Look _ , I’m sorry for being edgy. But could you, please, just drop the yandere crap and be straight with me?” 

The harder she tried the more transparent she became, no matter the situation. 

Kaede giggled at all the similar times long past. Rena just looked concerned. “So you know you messed up,” she explained, “and you know how, then? And you’re afraid that I’ve somehow found out, too?” The silence said all it needed to. “Rena?” Her curdled expression, quickened breathing, the outfit that tried hard to seduce—all said far more than mere words could manage. “I figured the possibility crossed your mind. But an easy and wild fuck isn’t gonna make you forget your guilt, nor me my frustrations.” She leaned close, meeting the level of her girlfriend’s gaze. 

“Kaede…” Rena stepped away in turn. 

Tilting her head she crooned, “Yeah?” Rena had to  _ say it,  _ Kaede decided. That would be a nice change of pace. 

But her lips pressed together, her inhale deepened. “Just say what you gotta say,” she breathed. 

Classic Rena. Kaede straightened up. “Hmph. It’s pretty obvious that something’s up, you came with sex on the brain—something you only do for a special occasion or when you know you did something bad.” Rena just swallowed, shifted her gaze. “For better or worse, you think a lot about how others see you. Regardless of how impossible or unrealistic your fears are.” 

“Wh-what’s with the snark? I’ve got no idea what you’re going on about! Your text was so straightforward yet vague as hell, I thought someone’d gotten a hold of your phone! That’s—! Th-that’s all.” 

Nice cover. “I could tell. You rushed straight home to change out of that sundress I gave you.” 

“What?” Rena shrunk back. “Wh-what the heck? Were you… were you  _ spying  _ on us?!” 

  
“Yep.” Kaede slipped her hands in her back pockets. “I have for the last month… What’s with the look?” It was different from imagining versus truly confronting the pain in her girlfriend’s gaze. “Couldja blame me? Couldja? Alone with your sexy, charismatic idol?” 

“You… never trusted me,” Rena mumbled, frozen otherwise. 

“Nope. Guess not.” 

Rena’s bangs hooded her vision. “Fuck you, Kaede.” A fist rose, clenched so tight it trembled. “I don’t blame you one bit, but… but  _ fuck you,  _ Kaede.” 

“Back atcha, Rena-chan~” 

“ _ Fuck _ you! Why didn’t you talk to me about this?!” Her eyes dared flash wetly. 

“Because of every time you told me about your playdates!” Kaede explained, her palms stabbed and burning. “Every excited phone call after! All the times you thanked me for bringing Sayuki into your life!” 

“So you wanted me to  _ not care? _ ” 

“I wanted you to be happy!” 

“You made yourself miserable so I could be  _ happy?! _ ” Rena hooted like that was the funniest part about all this. “Well, good job, Kaede! Ten-outta-ten plan, I’m fucking over-the-goddamn-moon, now, thanks to you!” 

The true resentment was clear. “Don’t blame me for overestimating yourself, Rena! You  _ always  _ do this—you  _ always  _ shoot yourself in the  _ damn foot _ after putting it in your  _ big fat MOUTH! _ ” 

Rena rocked back, crying and grabbing her pigtails. “Fuck, it’s  _ so creepy  _ that you were stalking us at every hangout.” 

“Tell me about it. Now I know how you felt whenever I’d throw on a hat and sunglasses, go wherever you said you’d be.” What an unhealthy relationship they’d maintained all these years. Kaede could almost laugh. “I wasn’t even worried about being spotted. You get tunnel vision really badly, Rena. An insane part of me was even hoping you’d notice so that I could stop pretending that everything was fine.” 

“Then why the fuck didn’t you?! You know I’d listen—!”    
  


“You kissed Sayuki.” Kaede couldn’t help but smile at the speed at which Rena paled. “I know it was a heat-of-the-moment thing, Rena. That’s not what I’m upset about—”

“I’m sorry.” And Kaede’s very soul was seized with but a swift, muddy gaze. Rena croaked, “I’m so fucking sorry, Kaede, I don’t know what—” 

“ _ Stop _ .” Stop being so nice. So self-hating. So cute, and so pitiful.    
  
Her voice trembled with such remorse that it was almost forgivable, all of it—the sins admitted and hidden still which Rena ignored entirely, and always would in all likelihood. And it was a  _ relief _ —Rena didn’t care about the spying and stalking and mistrust and shameless, ugly jealousy which Kaede had always scolded her for! 

“Kaede?” 

“I said  _ stop _ .” Being so pitiful. Being so kind. Rena deserved better. “Listen to me, right here and now—listen to my words and not your heart…  _ Rena! _ ” 

She jumped as did her gaze back on Kaede. “I’m listening, for shit’s sake!” 

“I don’t wanna play with you right now! I can’t be sure if you’re being honest or if you were just hating yourself in your own head, so I wanna make sure you’re  _ listening  _ and not just  _ hearing. _ ” 

“I know I fucked up, already!” Rena’s hands flew from her sides, then one backhanding the palm of the other. “I  _ know  _ I should’ve pushed her away! I  _ know  _ I should’ve waited till tomorrow—!” 

“Rena—” 

A fist pummeled her palm. “ _ I  _ know  _ I should’ve just fessed up immediately,  _ I  _ know  _ I should be on my knees  _ apologizing _ , but I’m also just so royally pissed-the-hell-off that you didn’t even _ trust me _ in the first place, and that you won’t even give me a chance to explain—!” __

_ “Shut the  _ fuck up,  _ Rena!”  _ Kaede’s voice rang. “I’m not angry about  _ anything  _ you did. This is why I want you to listen to what I’m saying instead of just hearing it and reacting. Step outside of your own head, for once. And maybe you’ll understand why, if I’m mad about anything, it’s for letting our relationship get to this point.” 

Rena’s face slacked as though she were gutted, a look that whalloped back: Kaede had said it, and now there was no turning back. 

“Wh-what do you mean?” she asked. 

No turning back. Impossible to succeed, selfish to try, cruel to Rena—again and again Kaede reiterated these sentiments, but for the first time in weeks feeling their weight in her gut.

“Kaede?” Rena said. “A-are you sure you’re not mad at me?” 

“Rena, _ of course _ I’m mad at you. You canceled our date to play with a girl, who you clearly care about on a level more than a friend. Yet you’ve hidden all of that and more from me, and probably would’ve unless I dragged the truth right outta you.” Merely admitting it—and seeing her flinch in turn, clutching at her neckline—felt crueller than the ignorance of their imbalanced relationship Kaede had yet to impart. And if  _ that  _ felt so horrible… 

_ You. Are not. A coward.  _ Kaede squeezed her hands into fists.  _ Not anymore. Never for Rena at least. Prove it now.  _ Squeezed so tight her nails stabbed into her palms.  _ Prove it.  _

And so, Kaede would: “But I’m no better, you’re probably thinking.  _ I’m  _ not, that is.” Swiftly, Rena’s eyes lifted, meeting Kaede’s like swords clashing so hard they sparked. “And you’d be right, Rena. You’d be right, but you would never accept it. And  _ because  _ you would never accept it, that right there’s a symptom of why I’m mad at myself. Why our relationship’s gotten to this point, and… and why it’s all my  _ fault. _ ” Kaede sucked in air, widening her closing throat. 

“Kaede, no—!” 

“I asked you to  _ sit down and LISTEN! _ And don’t say  _ anything  _ else until  _ I’m DONE! _ ” 

Rena shrank back one moment, the next she was plopped upon the couch behind her, face frozen shocked. 

Not even Kaede could believe that just tore out of her. 

But it was for Rena’s sake.  _ All of this is for Rena’s sake.  _

“I think… that…” Rena watched, waiting, dead silent. Her eyes were gaping wide, unblinking. Her bosom rose and fell like a wounded animal’s. She was thinking something. 

Something Kaede couldn’t help her with now.  _ And never had,  _ she reminded herself. 

It was probably something horrible. She was already blaming herself, that’s just who Rena was. 

_ I should tell her again that this isn’t her fault, just one more time. Just to be sure.  _ But, no; a deep breath caught in Kaede’s throat.  _ No. No, she won’t listen. She hasn’t listened for years because I myself hadn’t listened for years.  _ No matter what, she would hurt Rena. 

Now and again and again and again.

As she always had. 

But no more. 

The abuse stopped today. 

“This isn’t your fault. It’s  _ mine _ .” 

Rena gripped herself by the wrist, two rings flashing upon her finger. “What? Wh-what’re you talking about?” She definitely knew what was coming. 

Why did Kaede have to say it?    
  


Rena hated herself enough, and doubted Kaede enough, to assume the arrival of something so horrible. 

_ “KAEDE!”  _ she sobbed. 

“We’re breaking up.” 

  
  



	5. The Things That Never Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rena laments and torments herself over the true cause of her and Kaede's breakup, only to be saved by the words she'd always known, but needed to hear

Machine gunfire buffeted the front door. Easing her clippers away from the bonsai, Kaede threw a look over her shoulder. “It’s unlocked, Rena!” 

The door thunked against a countertop, Don barked back. A sweet voice squealed, “Kaedeee!” Breathing was easier than it’d been all day as the door banged shut.  _ At least she doesn’t sound depressed. Oh, I hope it went well!  _

“Kaede!” rang down the hall, backed by the tinkle of Don’s collar. “Kaede, oh my gosh! Oh my  _ freaking gosh,  _ Kaede!” Rena, in her school uniform, bounced on her tiptoes. Bounced... “Sayuki!”

“W’huh?!”  _ Dammit!  _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “ _ I mean, Sayu-Sayu!  _ No,  _ Sayuki! Sayuki, I can call her  _ Sayuki  _ ‘cause she said—! She said we’re—! _ We’re—! _ ” 

Rena almost couldn’t breathe. Neither of them could, Kaede’s chest pained her so. 

Even though it’d gone surprisingly well. “Don’t act so surprised.” Kaede smiled. “ _ I’m _ not—a sweetheart like you? Who  _ wouldn’t  _ wanna be friends?” Setting her trimmers within the window’s warmth, Kaede imagined, saw in her mind—for the first time today—Rena laughing with the peppy, bouncy Sayuki Fumino. 

Rena was never wrong about that: Sayuki was cute. “At the very least,” Kaede continued, because Rena’s eyes raced with the afternoon’s playdate, “you’re fun to be around.”

“Y-yeah…” That heart-melting grin grew, cast itself warmly all over Kaede. “Yeah. Yeah, I… our thing happened—where we get so nervous, and our chests start aching bad, y’know?”   
  
Such a morbid common ground, yet it’s been that which they walked together for three years now. “Oh, yes!” Kaede giggled.    
  
“But I just stopped assuming how Sayuki felt about me! I let myself relax and be myself, ‘cause Sayuki wasn’t gonna judge me! And if I lied, well, it’d be spoiled  _ eventually _ , right?” 

It was Kaede’s exact words, and in another scenario she would reflexively tease Rena for acting like she’d thought of that herself.

This was an important conversation, though: “But you remembered my advice.” 

“Yeah, I… I remembered  _ everything,  _ Kaede.” Rena clenched the front of her button-down. “You and me and all of it, the millions of times we learned that lesson. And I… Sayuki and I didn’t fight once. Like not even arguing, but if I flubbed it and came off as mean; that never happened! I-I mean, it did, but Sayuki didn’t get all uppity or offended!” 

_ Like I used to,  _ wormed its way in. 

“And-and I  _ could  _ just be seeing things, but Sayuki also toned down her usual cuteness by the end!” The words started flying again. “Like she realized I wasn’t some strict fangirl, and she started  _ laughing.  _ Like, loud, and not giggling! It was so  _ different  _ and  _ cute  _ and I-I know this sounds like I’m reaching, but maybe she  _ really  _ was loosening up around me! Oh, gosh, that sounds so  _ conceited _ , but I just can’t help myself—!” 

“Hey.” To Rena’s surprise, Kaede grasped her wringing hands. “I’ll take the word of Sayuki’s most passionate fan over nasty doubts any day.” Rena winced, looked away. Blushing. And cute. “Plus you’re perceptive. Very much so.” 

Fingers laced tight between Kaede’s. “‘Paranoid’ feels more right than ‘perceptive,’ but…” Rena couldn’t help but grin, even as anxieties overpowered her once again that same instant: “Yeah. I-I guess I made her feel comfortable. Even though I didn’t do anything…” 

Rena was enough to make Kaede feel worthy of a damn. “Sometimes that’s all you need. At least for now, it seems Sayuki is happy to have made a genuine friend like you. Doing nothing may be hard… but only for the same reason that it is enough.” Kaede kissed the thought into Rena’s forehead, earning a soft, sweet grunt that wriggled in her belly. “After all, you’ve made  _ me  _ very happy with relatively little, Rena-chan.” 

“I have mixed emotions about that.” 

Kaede giggled. “Any trouble from fans?” she asked, pulling back. 

“I was nervous about that, but, nah.” Rena smiled, hands clenching Kaede’s. “We stayed in Mizuna Ward. Place is  _ really  _ nice by the way. But the people there are snobs who don’t see Sayu-Sayu’s greatness.” 

“That made fans and friends like you so much more important to her as she worked through high school.” And alongside girls ranging from Ria Ami to Sana Futaba, the stories their gazes alone alluded to… “Neither of us would’ve survived if we went to Mizuna Academy. Sayuki’s so strong!” Even  _ if  _ her idol persona was all just an act, and not what Rena really needed to be happy. 

But girls like her admired such dauntless positivity, even when they denied it with a roll of the eyes. “Sayuki’s cute and charismatic. She’s on a completely different social level than us.” 

“Hey!” 

“I burned myself, too!” Then Rena sighed, grasping at her blue bow. “Even so, she didn’t treat me like I was weird. My nerves got to me over and over again, even when she offered to grab us napkins I was like, ‘No! No, stop! You don’t have to keep doing things for me!’ And then I started blubbering an apology, spilling my guts about how nervous I always am... But she admired me.” 

That sounded so familiar it made Kaede’s head spin. “Eh?” 

“Yeah.” Rena met her eyes. “She admired how fearless I am. How I can show my emotions so boldly… and not worry about other people’s judgement. Only that of the one I care about now.” 

Sayuki. 

And Kaede! “L-like Momoko!” Kaede held her fists together, squeezing the negativity to dust. “Momoko’s always been straight with us! She’d love to meet Sayu, too!” 

“Yeah,” Rena sighed, smiling as she held her hips. “We never had to think twice around Momoko. She’s so easy to talk to. And… so is Sayuki: she’s genuine, Kaede. In her own way.” 

“It’s great you made another friend like that.” It really, really was. “I was so worried about you! I started trimming my bonsai!” 

Rena smiled at the birthday present she’d given, only for something to whack her gaze back to Kaede: “Wait, you doubted me?!” 

“Nope. Nothing like that.” Rena winced and stayed wincing despite Kaede’s smile. “I was scared of you coming to me in tears. I was scared of Rena being hurt by someone she loves so much.” 

Rena embraced herself, cringing as if in pain. 

“Are you—?” Kaede reached out. 

And stopped short upon hearing the words, “I’m sorry, Kaede. Thank you.” Guilt squeezed her tight. “F-for, uh, w-w-well, firstly—” 

This sweet, awkward girl. “I’m always honest with you, but I don’t blame you for doubting me. I’m no better.” Kaede took a step closer, unable to keep away from this cutie a second longer. 

Especially when she was pouting like that. “Well, you should be.” 

Just as Rena was speaking for both of them, Kaede replied in kind: “But I’m always honest where it counts.” She took another step. “Biased, but honest.” And another. “Like, ‘Rena is fun to be around.’” And another, and Rena grew a smirk instead of the distance closing between them. “‘She’s a sweet and caring person. Knowledgeable in the ways of Sayu-Sayu. And Rena deserves to be loved instead of hurt by selfish people who don’t understand.’” 

A pair of staggered breaths buffeted the silence. Palms laid atop Kaede’s, warm with sweat. The cute kind. Rena’s lips rose, eyes drawn shut as she pumped upon her tiptoes. 

Kaede resisted meeting her lips halfway. “So, thank you, too,” she said to Rena’s glazed, perturbed stare, “for a lot more than two little words can manage.” 

Rena fell on her heels, flouncing gently all over. “Y-yeah.” She dropped her face faster than red covered it. “I… wouldn’t have managed without you.” 

Kaede held the back of her head, embracing Rena close into the dinosaur on her t-shirt. “Have confidence in yourself. I gave you a boost, but the rest was all on you.” 

That’s right: Kaede played zero part. 

And…

...that’s how it should be. 

Rena couldn’t rely on Kaede forever. This was a good thing! A great thing, as a mark of progress! 

_ ‘You know exactly what this is, you piece of trash,’  _ her tummy gnawed.

“You awake?” vibrated into her shirt. 

The quiet sharpened Kaede’s voice to a melodramatic degree. “It was  _ Rena  _ who befriended Sayuki. Not Kaede.”

“Aha! I  _ knew  _ you’d be jealous!” Rena pushed against her stomach, the pressing of Kaede’s forearms. 

Worried. 

Because Kaede was letting selfish emotions steal the spotlight. “I’m just so happy for you,” she confessed sincerely. “I’m so proud of you for making friends with your beloved idol. And all on your own!” 

“I-I know that! I meant…” Rena thumped her cheek upon Kaede’s bosom, out of fight. “Can I finish before you interrupt me, you big goof?” she grumbled. 

The seldom-used nickname whalloped Kaede in the heart, hard-hitting as ever. “Sorry. I just love Rena-chan so much.” 

“That’s not something worth apologizing over, stop that. And seriously, stop saying things after I do. Stop throwing my thoughts everywhere.” 

“I’m sorry, I just always wanna be in Rena’s thoughts,” said Kaede, unable to do a single thing that had been asked of her. 

“Three fuck-ups in a single line. Impressive for Kaede.” And Rena hopped, pressing Kaede’s shoulders too quickly and low enough for a peck on the lips.“I was talking about the last three years, dummy.  _ Thanking  _ you.” She clasped the hunching Kaede’s cheek. “For that, and everything that happened in them and… just everything. All of it. I’m… really, really glad, Kaede, that you’re mine. Not even Sayu-Sayu would be my first choice. Because...” 

She stepped away. Kaede straightened, only for Rena to return close, lay and curl her fingers upon Kaede’s chest. 

“Don’t feel sad and jealous,” Rena said with a soft but serious gaze. “There’s no way in hell I’m ever gonna change my mind.” She inhaled, ready to say more. But these moments were rare and usually even more awkward. 

But it was a few short words. A simple observation. 

A reassurance that meant so much and took twice as much courage to tell Kaede. For this was the happiest she had ever been these last three years, and that was so wonderful that Kaede felt ready to cry. 

“I’m able to be friends,” said Rena, tugging Kaede in for another kiss, “with Sayu… because of you.” 

Yes, that was why. 

_ That  _ was worthy of tears. 

Sayuki made Rena happy, her kisses came madly because of her. The happiest she had ever been these last three years, and that was so wonderful that Kaede felt ready to cry. Rena deserved it, to breathe easy and free and happily at long last. And not burdened by the welling in Kaede’s chest.

She was truly amazing. Just befriending Sayuki, making her comfortable on top of that…

Kaede couldn’t deny her memories: she’d never made Rena even half as happy with such closeness. 

But Rena was happy, finally. 

The happiest she had ever been these last three years. 

And that was so selfish that Kaede felt ready to cry. 

“C’mere, Sexy.” Rena cupped the jean shorts crowning Kaede’s tight thigh gap. “I’m in the mood.” 

_ ‘Because of Sayuki.’  _ Because of her, Rena crashed into Kaede, crushing their breasts and lips together. 

Rena, truly, had no idea that Kaede, for the first time in their relationship,  _ wanted  _ to say no. 

_______________________________________________

_ No wonder she was so aggressive that night.  _

Tear and throw. 

_ ‘ _ ... _ Plop,’ _ said the lake. 

_ No wonder she barely did any stupid dirty talk.  _

Tear and throw. 

_ ‘Plop.’ _

_ No wonder, ‘cause I… I was just gushing about Sayuki. Thinking about her.  _

Rip.

_ Even as we kissed, the fact that Sayuki and I were actually friends was what got me going. And Kaede… said nothing at all after her jealousy was called out.  _

_ That was such a serious sign. I shoulda pulled my head outta my ass, not assumed she believed me and my vague reassurance, with evidence to the contrary. _

But Kaede was the same way these last three years!  __

_ Because I never talked about the things that would really hurt her.  _

But Kaede always said she was no better. 

_ Because she never talked about the things that would hurt me.  _

_ And I was… scared. Of her and Sayuki.  _

And now Rena was 0-2 in the rescue department. The bread was cold, squishing between her fingers. 

Rena hurled what was in her hand, heard a  _ ‘ploop,’  _ and pinched at thin air. Just a corner of the crust remained, and was chucked into the sheet of beaten silver as hard as Rena had her engagement ring. And just as she had back at Kaede’s, Rena didn’t watch it disappear before reaching for a replacement. 

Of bread, that is. 

Kaede would be telling her to make the pieces smaller. 

But Sayuki… they wouldn’t even be here right now, much less feeding ducks that weren’t around. 

Everything was botched. 

_ Botched _ . 

Ruined.  _ “IDIOT!”  _ The mushed wad of bread flew, plopping in the lake as it mocked Rena’s voice crack.  _ “FUCK YOU!  _ **_FUCK YOU!_ ** _ ”  _

Cicadas droned, the leaves whispered. The sun was so hot it seemed to groan, and the lake muggy by sight alone. Not even the ducks were out. Maybe because Kaede, Snow White incarnate, wasn’t—with her aura so gentle that damned doves and squirrels would come snuggle up for the promise of food. 

No. 

No, it was more than that. Even with food, no one could tame critters as good as Kaede. 

No one could smile like Kaede, so dorky and sweet. Nor hum like her, laugh, or kiss in a hundred different ways for just as many situations and emotions. There wasn’t anyone who could see a person for what they were, be a dick about it, yet simultaneously empathetic and accepting and loving and warm. There wasn’t anyone who could suffer bullshit like Rena’s for three months, let alone three years, and swear on her own life that she only loved her more for it—all the bad and apparent good. 

Right up until the very end. 

There wasn’t anyone like Kaede. 

_ ‘You fucking LYING  _ **_CUNT!_ ** _ ’  _ Rena’s memories echoed, like a freezing wind in a cave as black as it was limitless. 

There wasn’t anyone who would keep coming back after every fight, betrayal, nasty word and act—like a boomerang but with a will, the choice to return to Rena’s desperate, waiting hand. 

_ “You’re not even listening to a word I say! EVER! You complete  _ broken  _ record!”  _ whispered Kaede’s shrill, crackling little observance. The obvious shit people with eyes not up their own ass could see.    
  
So everyone but Rena, simply put. Kaede had a way of being so much more aware and observant than her. They really never had an equivalent relationship, not that  _ she  _ cared. 

It only broke off because Kaede wanted to save Rena. 

Not even Rena would be so selfish—to let Kaede go for her imaginary future’s sake. 

Because there, truly, wasn’t anyone like her. 

There will never be anyone like her. 

_ Why?  _ Rena’s shoes blurred together, the sight so heavy it crashed upon her palms.  _ Why the fuck did I fucking lie to her all these years?  _

_ Why did I throw the engagement ring in her fucking face?! _

_ Why am I LIKE this?!  _

When, even, was the last time Rena erupted like that? The flashes of fights that bad were distant, and muddied together. But they were all of Kaede. Only that wonderful bitch could tear such emotion out of Rena, even at the age of eighteen, almost nineteen. 

No more of those, now. Because there was no one like Kaede.  _ Why couldn’t I  _ trust  _ her?! How could I’ve _ made her  _ trust me—?! _

“Yo!” 

_ “F’ugh!”  _ The transgressor turned out to be a tall, chortling blonde. Rena shot up. 

“Woah!”

“Moron! Jerk!” Rena stormed on her assailant, her wince inches away, and snarled, “Can’t you see that—?!” Momoko’s bashful, guilty smile incited four years of memories in a second. “Wh—M- _ Momoko? _ ”

It was so gentle, her smile. Yet so big and happy that her eyes were squeezed shut. “Yep! In the flesh!” 

This gusto... that gruff yet girly, big sisterly-warmth… 

“Eh? Rena?” 

Who never judged when someone was being awkward. She laughed along with a bad joke, not adding to the silence. 

“Rena?” A familiar, tight weight crashed upon her shoulder—from the one who always put others before herself, even when it was most inconvenient. “Hey, what’s the matter?” 

Momoko was at university. She’d been for months. 

And she’s taking a Thursday off. 

To clean up Rena’s messes. To squeeze her shoulder and grace her with undeserved worry. 

“I don’t need your help!” Rena cried. Momoko held her wrist after it was slapped away. “Don’t worry about it. Go home and study, this isn’t even something you can help with!” 

And there was that smile. The equivalent to Kaede’s habit of wincing when Rena was harshest—a tick that emerged from either girl despite knowing Rena spoke from the exact opposite of anger. 

“As sweet as I remember,” said Momoko, without a hint of sarcasm. “But I finished finals yesterday. See?” She gestured to her green blouse. Comboed with jean shorts and sandals. 

Rena’s heart sank as she pieced together the rest. “So you came to see us?” 

“Of course.” Momoko rolled back on a heel, crossing her arms. “Six months straight, head exploding with aches every night? First an’ only thing I thought of when it was all over was my two best friends, and how much I missed our hangouts!” 

And Rena had completely forgotten about her. She almost wrenched away from that grin—Momoko would understand the circumstances if she knew. The self-hating thought was shoved aside. 

There were  _ real  _ problems worth flagellating herself over. 

“You don’t wanna be around me right now, Momoko.” 

“I’ll be the judge of that. And I think I do, for that matter!” Of course she was smiling. 

She wasn’t going anywhere. “I’m warning you, it’s  _ that bad _ .” 

“Whoof, I figured it was about Kaede.” Momoko sighed in amusement. “Some things never change.” 

No, they didn’t. But Momoko wasn’t meaning it that way, stupid Rena. “You heard me cursing?” 

“Yeah, hoo boy. A problem  _ this  _ bad would bring ya to Kaede, no doubt.” 

Yeah. 

It would.

_ And the really bad problems were the ones on a tight lock,  _ mused the thing that never changed, thinking of the other thing that never changed. 

But she couldn’t drop such a thing on Momoko. She’d take it upon herself to help them fix it and be an amazing, caring friend. 

Refusing to believe that it was  _ over.  _

Rena swallowed the urge to rip off the bandaid, relieving as it may be. If nothing else, the breakup made Rena consider  _ herself  _ more now; no longer did she just feel, but she felt and then thought about it.

Never again would Rena run away from feelings she didn’t understand. 

Not if it would cost her another irreplaceable person. 

And Rena, because of this, immediately realized,  _ I’m scared of Momoko’s reaction.  _ She was gonna be devastated. And if there was one other person Rena hated to hurt, it was Momoko. 

“Some things never change.” Rena took a seat on the bench. Momoko took the space on her left. 

Her  _ immediate  _ left, soft against Rena’s skirt and sock. After some shuffling, Momoko’s being stilled, her arm heavy around the shoulders. “Sorry. Just say no if you feel awkward,” she offered with a smirk. “You just looked like you could use a hug right now.” 

“What  _ do you  _ want?” Rena mumbled. 

“The two of ya happy: laughing and smiling, bickering about nothin’ serious. Holding hands and stealing kisses when you think I won’t notice.” 

Deep down, Rena was embarrassed; all else sighed in relief, then tightened with guilt. For the promptness of Momoko’s reply meant it was from the heart. She meant what she wanted. And Rena still thought it would be different from the Momoko she’d known for years. 

Kaede, however... 

_ I can’t fucking trust anybody because of you.  _

“I’m still expecting everyone and anyone to lie to my face.” Rena stroked the chill surging up and down her black undershirt. “To lie ‘cause they’re afraid of me.” 

“Naw. No way.” Momoko squeezed Rena tight against her bust. “Kaede’s not afraid of ya. She understood ya  _ long  _ before the two o’ ya started dating. That can’t be what this’s about.” 

That’s not what Rena meant. But putting it that way, yeah, that’s exactly what it was about at its core. Same went for Rena herself. 

All because she was too afraid of losing Kaede: the girl who wanted to  _ marry her for shit’s sake.  _

Being drawn and quartered by a Witch for a weekend sounded downright fuckin’  _ therapeutic  _ right about now. 

Honestly, Momoko wouldn’t want to deal with a three-year-old(‘s) problem. “Would you rather go to a movie, or the beach?” Rena suggested in certain vain. 

“Once you two kiss and make up, totally!” 

In what world would Momoko answer differently? How could Rena be so stupid—how could she  _ always  _ be so stupid?! “Damn it!” Rena threw herself from the hug and the bench. This was her fault! Whose? All of theirs! “Just stop babying us!” she snarled at the lake. “You got your own damn life to live!” 

“But what if I say that you’re a part of it? The both of you?” 

She oughta stop sounding so cool and collected, like she was an adult now or something. “Then you shouldn’t rely on us so heavily! It’s unhealthy to be entirely dependent on another!” 

“But I’m not.” 

“You’re sacrificing your limited free time for more work!” 

“The heck’s wrong with you? Even if I agreed on *any* level with this nonsense, you  _ seriously  _ think I’d leave ya alone after spewing a bunch o’ worryin’ crud like  _ that? _ ” 

_ “You just don’t get it!” _ Momoko was going to win and there was nothing Rena could do to save her but choke. She choked. Swallowed a cry. Blinked away tears, and that was the least Rena could do. 

It was all she could do to make this next part easier: “It’s over,” she confessed to the lake. “Kaede and I were saved by a magical girl… By… by Sayuki Fumino.” 

The sharp inhale overhead was exactly as Rena envisioned it for a month—down to its very cadence. Almost chuckle-worthy. 

But it was  _ funny _ , it should be a  _ joyous occasion _ , as Rena had imagined, too. Sayuki? A magical girl? AND the reason for their breakup? 

It was like a bad joke!

And Momoko was so predictable! 

“This ain’t funny!” Rena heard. 

“But I fucked everything so bad!” she screamed back. “So don’t you  _ dare  _ try and help me! There’s nothing to  _ help.  _ We did this  _ without  _ you, so go and find something  _ better  _ to do with your time!” 

…

…

...

And the world spun into a green blouse, then a pillowy darkness with a stranglehold around Rena’s head. “You shut your mouth now.” Momoko dropped on her knees, a crumpled chin the only thing Rena caught before it vanished to the right, Momoko’s cheek grazing hers. And again it did, and again just as gently, and again—a nuzzle. Momoko was nuzzling Rena, her breathing labored and heavy, hitched. 

“Please, stop.” A deep, shaking breath. “You’re right,” croaked in Rena’s ear. “I got a bad habit of butting in where it isn’t asked. ‘Specially when it comes to the two o’ ya.” 

Rena had made Momoko cry. “I’m trying to save you.” A snuffle answered. “Th-the trouble, I’m tryna  _ s-s’hayve… _ Momoko—!.” 

A shush lashed her like a whip as a hand stroked up and down her back, so much like Kaede’s that it soothed the burn. “Listen up.” A sniffle. “And listen good, ya dummy: you’re… you and Kaede both, you’re… you two…” She held her breath. “You two’re the sisters I always wanted, but never had growin’ up, okay?” As was Momoko. As was Momoko. As was Momoko, but the words wouldn’t come no matter how much Rena breathed deep. “And nothing—I mean  _ nothing _ —is more important to me than family. And I’m not sayin’,” Momoko said in a low voice, “another word on the matter. If I get so much as the _ feelin’  _ you’re tryna get me to leave, I’ll drag ya to Kaede’s then and there. By the ankles if I have to.” 

Chills wracked Rena’s spine something  _ awesome.  _ “Momoko, this isn’t like you.” 

She pushed Rena away without a word, leaning back to cast her a smile. Momoko’s cheeks glistened, her eyes glossy pink. “I’d say this’s pretty in-line with my usual M.O.” Her joke was feeble, as weak as her collapsing smile. “And so it is for yours, for some reason. Like the old days. Rena, what’s gotten into you? Nobody’s happy when you put yourself down. S’like you’re tellin’ people Kaede and I’ve got crap for taste in friends, to just go off saying you’re not even worth a thought.” 

Exactly. 

And Rena still hadn’t thought of a way to express that she didn’t hate the Rena they knew. 

It was the one she always will be. 

It was the one Momoko and Kaede swore from day one to accept, and Rena was here right now because she still couldn’t bring herself to believe them. 

“You’re nice, Momoko.” 

Her smile, the only thing in sight, popped open. “Eh? Come  _ on _ , Rena. This’s what friends do!” 

She sounded so tired. So annoyed. ‘This shit again?’ her tone whipped. 

“I don’t mean it like that! I just mean you’re nice! You’re  _ always  _ nice, because you…!” Rena shoved away from the Stonewall of Togame, from her love and her effortless twisting of emotions. “You care about everyone more than yourself,” Rena told the direction Momoko faced. “I gave you... such a hard, f- _ fucking time _ back in the day! But you stuck by me no matter what. It’d be selfish to think you never got at least a  _ little  _ annoyed by my bullshit, but even so you…! Stayed. You always  _ stayed _ , Momoko, and you never, ever told me to stop being Rena. Even if, even  _ though _ , part of you really wanted to.” 

Just like Kaede. “Unlike  _ her _ ,” Rena said, hearing Momoko tense, “you didn’t repeat everything to the point of losing its meaning. Just let your presence speak for itself. And so, yeah, you’re nice, Momoko. But not because you stayed by me. It’s ‘cause you would, even if it’s the last thing you really wanna do; s’cause you actually think. Momoko thinks about other people’s feelings always before her own. And that’s why she’s nice—and that’s why… why  _ Rena  _ isn’t nice,  _ Sayuki  _ isn’t, and neither is  _ Kaede! _ ” 

“Whoof. Y-yeah,” Momoko sighed, massaging her forehead. “I think I’m following. Those two musta hurt you thinkin’ they were helping ya. Wh-when this’s all over, by the way? You’re gonna hafta give me more details on this ‘Sayuki’ business, now that I’m done with the semester.” 

“R-right.” 

“But more importantly, you told me up and down for the last three years that Kaede’s ‘totally selfless.’” Momoko’s sternness softened. “What changed, Rena? What exactly did she do?” 

Trust. 

Their trust changed. 

Kaede didn’t trust Rena. Kaede lied. 

She lied to save Rena. The stupid, selfish bitch. Kaede. 

And Rena:  _ ‘But I’m no better.’  _ Never did Kaede’s oft-repeated handwave feel so purposeful. Maybe it always was… but that’s no excuse! Kaede sucked! 

“Rena?” 

A hand Rena didn’t deserve advanced for her, and she jerked away. “Yeah, well, now she isn’t nice! Kaede pretends to be! She cares more about how  _ she  _ feels than how I feel!” 

Momoko’s compassion twisted into wholehearted disgust. “Y-you  _ know  _ that’s not true, Rena! Dammit!” 

Right. Right. Even Momoko knew how little Kaede regarded herself. “I didn’t  _ mean it _ that way, obviously! It’s deeper than that!” 

“In  _ what  _ way?! Say it aloud, Rena, so I know what you mean! Explain! Communication’s tricky, y’see! Somethin’ I get the feeling  _ you  _ know well,” Momoko sneered and leered. 

“Fuck!” Momoko was going to make her do it—to speak with that niggling, constricting voice in the back of her messed-up mind; acknowledge it, make real the fear that had festered within it over the last three years.  _ That Kaede had known  _ **exactly** _ what she was— _ “Fucking dammit!” The earth erupted beneath Rena’s heel. “Damn it all!” 

“Rena, take a breath—!” 

She whirled the asshole who abandoned them to make cooler university friends. “Kaede’s a complete and utter dumbass if she never stopped and wondered how I’d feel!” That amazing person Rena wanted to hate and keep close winced away as she stomped forth. “No, Kaede’s selfish—she never stopped  _ once  _ these last three years and wondered how I’d feel if my screwups caused every fight, how her own bullshit wasn’t even that bad but she acted like it was!” 

“Rena—” 

“NO! _I’m_ talking! You tore this outta me, now you gotta see how fucking ugly I am!” _Before I retreat in my shell of three years again._ “What’s worse, I know Kaede isn’t dumb when it comes to me! Because she’s _nice_ to Rena, because she must’ve realized how I’d feel being so toxic, and played up her own guilt all those times she parroted, ‘I’m no _fucking_ ** _better!_** ’” It was as insane and out-of-character as ever. “Fuck!” Rena shook her head faster than Momoko’s face could fully twist into shock. “Fuck, I _know_ that wasn’t the reason! How come my brain just never fucking _trusts_ Kaede, **_ever?!_** ” 

Because Rena shouldn’t. 

Kaede  _ had  _ lied. 

All because Rena was too scared to accuse her of such. “If Kaede had lied…” Rena took a breath, to harden her trembling muscles. She had to grip her biceps to achieve that. “If Kaede had lied to me about something as stupid… as understandable as that… then… what else had she lied about, besides trusting me?” 

“Rena, all of us’re anxious about that stuff. Of hurting and being hurt. That’s the last thing  _ anyone  _ wants to do to their loved ones.” Momoko sighed. “You didn’t wanna think badly of her, and Kaede was worried about burdening ya.” 

“Fancy way of saying she was afraid of me.” 

“That too.” Rena was shocked twice, to hear such blunt confirmation come from a face so assured and relaxed. “Kaede’s a liar as well. She was afraid of hurting ya, how you’d react, judgin’ ya... Just like you, Rena. Just like all of us, and that’s okay.” 

Damn it all. “Is it really that simple?” 

Momoko shrugged, not in confusion but submission. “Life and the world are simple. It’s emotions that make things messy—that makes sweet girls like you and Kaede do selfish things.” 

“But she’s not, Kaede’s fucking  _ not— _ she’s not selfish! I  _ know  _ she  _ loves  _ me!” Kaede was selfish, Rena was selfish, neither of them were, everybody was. “She did everything for my dumbass sake!” Every smile, every mewl of dismay, hug and kiss and sweet nothing—gone forever and taken for granted. Rena clasped at the welling pressure in her eyes. “She loves me, Momoko. She lied because she loves me. She didn’t want me being hurt because she loves me. She pretended to be fully supportive of my friendship with Sayu-Sayu because she loves me and my happiness and my growth  _ finally  _ being  _ fucking  _ acknowledged… thanks to Sayuki.” Momoko rushed over, but Rena stepped away faster. 

“Quit runnin’ from me.” 

“But Kaede broke up with me,” Rena sobbed, everything swelling with,  _ “because she loves me!”  _

Momoko snatched her half a heartbeat later. “She does,  _ and you can still fix this, _ ” she said, pinning Rena into her. “You prove to Kaede what you did to me: that you understand. Do that, and she won’t be able to stop you.” 

It couldn’t be that simple. Momoko said they were motivated the same way. Kaede was selfish, Rena was selfish, neither of them were, everybody was. It was so simple that it couldn’t be. “She’s so fucking selfish!” A bitch who didn’t care like Momoko did; a bitch like Sayuki, who only cared more about how she felt than the people who loved her. Rena was awful; Kaede and Sayuki were flawed but wonderful people and she was just awful and unforgiving and selfish and hateful and—“ _ And I can’t stop crying! _ I can’t stop thinking about her, and I can’t stop crying  _ an’ it’s all ‘cause o’ ME! _ ”

“Don’t backpack  _ all  _ the blame, now. She’d hate that,” Momoko laughed softly. 

She only chuckled more as Rena struck her in the lower back. “I just got done callin’ her selfish. But I’m not gonna sit here and pretend that I’m any better. I’m… garbage, Momoko.” 

“Yet Kaede always said that she’s no better. Think she was lyin’ to ya then?” 

Rena shook her head, not to the question. “That’s not it. Kaede… didn’t cuss me out. Never. She didn’t place any of the blame on me, not now and not ever. Not since we started dating, and  _ I hated it. _ I always  _ hated  _ how perfect she was! How she promised that what I saw in her was the unquestionable truth without a scrap of proof!” 

And Rena sighed, slumping in Momoko’s arms. “And I was desperate enough to wanna believe her—that her sticking by me was evidence enough.” 

“Mm.” Momoko laid her cheek atop Rena’s head, squeezed her tight. “Kaede lied to you, and broke your heart for the same reason you did to her. She blamed herself, you say, just like you are now. Well, it makes this an easier fix than if the blame weren’t equal, I’d say.” 

As if Rena’s mind hadn’t scrambled to reach such a convenient conclusion already, much less a hundred times since. “She broke our promise… we both did,” Rena mumbled. 

“Neither of you communicated as well as you should’ve. Didn’t think about one another’s feelings for when one o’ ya found out.” 

‘When,’ she’d said. Not ‘if.’ This was inevitable given the people Rena and Kaede were. 

“I know. I’m so stupid,” Rena hissed. For that failed accounting alone, three words weren’t enough to convey her part in this mess.

Momoko peeled away. “Yet ya love Kaede anyway, warts n’ all.” 

“She’s so stupid, she doesn’t  _ know  _ that. If she did, she wouldn’t have been so secretive!” 

“And the same goes for Rena, yet Kaede loves her like crazy.” 

“Fuck.” The facts were on the table, straightforward and ugly, so ugly they were hard to handle. “Momoko—” Rena stepped away, only to be hounded in sync. 

“Don’t run!” If she didn’t utter that harshly, the fresh sheen tracing Momoko’s cheeks would have distracted Rena completely. “Runnin’ never worked out for either o’ ya.” 

Rena groaned, flopping back upon the bench, baking her tears in the sun. “That just goes back to the beginning, Momoko: this is  _ that bad. _ This isn’t something I can just patch up with a single conversation.” 

“Well, shoot, I wouldn’t expect that to be the case! Rena and Kaede wouldn’t be in this mess if it were that easy. What kinda dumb thinking is that, Rena? You’re smarter than this!”    
  
“Don’t you get it?! I threw our engagement ring! I said horrible stuff, and she’s not reached out to me once! If she reached out, then I’d be there in a heartbeat!” 

“And so would Kaede, so did  _ you? _ ” Momoko smirked at Rena’s choking. “Then how can you say she’s not as scared and hopeless as you are, when  _ you  _ were just going on about how much she loves ya?” 

“Alright, alright!” Yet another fuck-up on the checklist: ‘Doubted Kaede’s love in literally every way.’ “I’m scared, okay?! Fuck, I’m just so scared!” 

“Of what?” 

“Everything! Seeing her and telling her all this, getting into another fight and hurting her again! Being rejected and thrown away a second time and—!” 

Momoko smiled. “Great! And I can assure you that Kaede’s feeling the same, not that you need it—cuz ya know her and all.” 

“But what  _ if  _ we’re wrong?!” Momoko flinched back, to Rena’s horror. She was waiting for a prompt rejection, but really it was valid. Momoko was blowing hot air like it were as easy as doing the thing itself. “What if you’re wrong,” Rena gasped, her throat clenching, “and I broke Kaede’s heart irreparably?    
  


“What if… what if she loves me so much, still… l-l-like  _ I do _ … and we rush and hurt each other again?” 

There was a beat of silence, and then: “Well, simple! Easier said than done, but straightforward.” Momoko sat on the bench, turned towards Rena, arms crossed. “Go for it anyway. Either way, you’ll be able to bury the hatchet, learn, and move on.  _ But _ ,” she said to Rena’s intake of breath, “you gotta go in asking yourself one thing. And it’s one I wanna know as well, so you’d better think and answer me seriously.” 

Rena gulped, but the scope of this moment wouldn’t go down: it would decide their future forever. The both— _ no _ , all three— _ four _ rather; Sayuki, too, somehow—not only did their social lives depend on Rena’s feelings, but the past too. 

How she would look upon it, for better or worse. 

Momoko knew her well enough to have chosen such words, and voiced them, with her sisterly, ‘you bungled this,’ authority. 

“Rena,” Momoko said, clasping her by both shoulders, pinning Rena with her glare, “tell me: is staying afraid, hurt, and uncertain  _ any  _ better than all that but knowing for sure?” 

“N-no! I wanna learn, Rena wants to change!” 

A smirk—the truth as Momoko knew it, but Rena had forgotten about. “Is the idea of a future without Kaede  _ any better  _ than one where you’re honest with each other?” 

“It never was! It’s worse!” 

“And what do you hate more: the idea of hurting Kaede again, or living without her?” 

But that was selfish— 

“Don’t think!” Momoko snapped, thrusting a finger up between them. “Just say what your heart wants.” 

“It wants Kaede, obviously! But—” 

A hand rested on Rena’s shoulder. Momoko asked, “Then why don’t you trust your love?” 

“And how the heck am I supposed to trust that now when I couldn’t when it mattered most?” 

“You mean before the big fight?” Momoko snorted, dropping her head only to rise her gaze again. “Cuz the time that matters most is here—all your feelings, on the table, no more half-truths or self-sacrificial lies. All you kids  _ got  _ from then-on is love.

“And I’m not being romantic,” Momoko continued, crossing her arms. “Neither you nor Kaede trust your feelings for each other enough to believe it can weather conflicts. If it’s so fragile, then I guess you really  _ were  _ just rushing into things and thinkin’ with your hormones.” 

“It’s not that simple, shut the hell up!” And Momoko did. Rena recoiled, but Momoko’s smirk upon her outburst didn’t. “It’s because,” she mumbled, “‘cause we’re too selfish of being hurt and hurting each other. We didn’t ‘distrust our love’ or whatever. W-well, I mean, in the important way neither of us did. B-but it’s—!” 

“Complicated. I know. I just wanted to get ya thinkin’ about this. My two cents, though?” Momoko tilted her head, arms crossed. “All forms of trust’re important. And when one breaks, the rest begin to fail. It can be hard, seemingly impossible even, to salvage that. Especially when it’s collapsed. Thankfully, though, you guys are in a position to rebuild it on equal ground. And with stronger faith in one another than before. Doesn’t that sound hopeful enough to take a chance and run with it?” 

Growth came from pain. Rena and Kaede knew that well. But they ran from it, because pain was scary and awful, and the present that had carried them so far  _ had to _ still work, right? 

But now they were here. Apart and confused and hurting. Not healing.

At least Rena wasn’t. 

But Kaede surely couldn’t be doing better. 

Because she loved Rena. Still, surely, even though Rena had given up on Kaede while blaming her for returning in kind. 

“We really are selfish…” 

  
“Mm… nah. Naw, you’re not.” Momoko was smiling. “You just proved the opposite to me, Rena. You both are always denyin’ yourselves relief for the sake of supporting the other. I… wouldn’t cast either of ya as a priestess, sorry to say, but in my opinion, you girls are ‘nice’ to each other at the very least.

“ _ Personally _ speaking from experience, source—my own self—it’s so much easier to be selfish than ‘nice.’  _ So much easier, _ ” Momoko sighed. “That’s why a lot of people slip up, sometimes in big ways like the two o’ you.” Reality was harsh and stated so bluntly—known all along, yet Rena flinched all the same. “But I think you kids make up for it in other ways. You’re misguided, but that only means your intentions need a correction. No big deal!” 

Her confidence was annoying. It was so assured and desirable and Rena wanted nothing more than things to go back as they were, even knowing that that was impossible. That the only way now was forward. “Stop making it sound so easy!” 

“I don’t mean to! I’m tryna say that it’s hard! Awfully so!” Momoko crossed her hands upon her stomach, gazing into the sky Rena did once more. “It takes so much to let our real feelings show, Rena. Like whenever they do, I’m always thinkin’, ‘What if these people make fun of ‘em? Or think they’re no big deal?’ The kinda trust I have with you an’ Kaede? That’s  _ progress _ , a thing that’s built over time. Don’t go rushing it again, ‘cause you’re both afraid of fuckin’ up.” Rena winced for more reasons than one. “Cuz that’s the only thing guaranteed to happen if ya do, is fuckin’ up again.” 

Rena felt chilled but a little bit tickled. “I’ve never heard you drop an F-bomb before.” And, of course, Rena forgot to guard herself as well. “Is it really that simple, though? I mean, I trust you, Momoko. I really, really do—” 

“But it’s yourself you don’t trust.” 

Rena ducked into her lap, taking cover from the absolute mess this all was. A big hand clapped Rena on the back, squeezed her firmly while stroking its length. 

And Momoko murmured, “Well, if that’s the case, Rena, trust in me—cuz  _ I _ trust  _ you _ .” 

“How?!” Rena cried, flinging herself upright. “How can you say that after all the nonsense you just heard?!” 

Momoko chortled, hands folding behind her head, lacing around her ponytail. “Cuz I always have, s’far as your relationship was concerned. Ever since the day Kaede announced, outta the blue, ‘Rena-chan and I’re dating!’” she mocked in a high voice. Then laughed, “And you, Rena, you just blurted out—!” 

“C-come on! Don’t remind me!” she cried, grinning despite herself as she wiped her cheeks dry. 

Momoko fixed herself a mock scowl. “‘I-Idiot! You don’t just drop that with zero buildup!’ And then you turned to me, lookin’ like ya got sunburn by Hell itself and said—” 

“I know what I said!” 

But it was too funny for even Momoko to hold back: “‘W-We didn’t have sex or anything, though! Pervert!’” 

Kaede had chided her for making it obvious. And Rena, knowing she was right, still blamed Kaede for hammering the true final nail in the coffin in doing so. 

But Momoko was laughing now rather than cringing at the memory, far louder than the polite chuckle she’d done within it. 

“Why’d you bring that up?” 

Momoko sighed, wiping a tear away. “‘Cause it’s precious! You and Kaede, the two o’ ya are just so cute, and it’s been a blast watching you kids grow.” 

“S-stop talking as if you’re any older than a year and a half! And we’re not a circus attraction or a drama!” 

“Hey, now…” Momoko looked to Rena with the eyes of a sister: one who seriously loved her youngers, was always happy for them, bore this passion and just got it slapped to the ground by the one she probably thought had just rejected them. “I was being sincere. I seriously get a little lump in my throat whenever I think of you two and how you smile together now.” 

“Th-thank… thank you,” Rena mumbled. “For being in my life. Both of ours. We’d... be worse off without you.” 

“Shucks. Thanks, Rena.” 

Her love was embarrassing. It was honest. It was embarrassing because Momoko truly loved the two of them and talked Rena through fixing their relationship because of how genuinely “nice” she was: afraid, but caring more for them than her own damn feelings. 

Just as she believed Rena and Kaede had for each other. 

“I love that memory,” continued Momoko, “and you guys. A ton! In part because of it, or what it exemplifies, rather.” Rena cocked a brow. “I mean, when I was lying in bed that night, still processin’ the fact that you were datin’... well, my first fears were that it was goin’ too fast. And your outburst against the idea beforehand didn’t help.” 

Rena sighed. “But as usual, you were right.” 

“In a way. Was wrong to feel so, I think—err,  _ thought _ —or rather, I still do. Think I was wrong to judge. I was wrong about you guys, but it didn’t take me long to realize that: ‘Rena and Kaede… it’ll be rough, but they’re gonna be fine.’ That’s what I thought, and still do, ever since that night I laid in bed.” 

“M-Momoko…” Rena couldn’t manage to tag so much as ‘why’ at the end there. She’d always promised faith in their bond after that day, but neither could bring themselves to doubt their only other friend, nor discuss her worries’ validity. 

Only ostensibly agree across several off-topics that a future as magical girls was a tenuous thing. 

“It was all thanks to your funny little outburst. About your… ahem, first time?” Momoko snorted. “Sorry, I  _ am  _ being serious right now. So, then I continued to lay there in bed, and thought to myself, ‘Holy smokes… Rena and Kaede  _ really did it,  _ didn’t they?’ Never in a million years would I think that’d happen, and not at all because of compatibility. I mean, this was  _ Rena and Kaede;  _ it must’ve taken unbe- _ lievable  _ courage to expose themselves like that. To get that far. More than getting naked together ever coulda demanded.’” 

Momoko smiled back on Rena. “Cuz there’s no way in heck you guys would reach that point without some form of emotional intimacy predicatin’ that. And upon realizin’ that, I remembered how much you and Kaede loved each other. Even if ya hadn’t said it yet, there were plenty o’ little gestures that said how important the happiness of one another was to each of you.

“I wasn’t ever shaken by the fact that you were dating. Heck no, I was happy but worried, if I could put it into words. No, nah, what stunned me was the fact that you two had gotten so far at all—and were closer and getting closer, like ya had from the start. You’re good for each other, and as soon as I realized that, I knew I didn’t have to be worried about your bond.” 

A nice person—Momoko was the peak example Rena could think of, always putting others before herself, even when she didn’t want to. Kaede did the same for Rena, and Rena her, but they weren’t the same. They weren’t the same because Momoko considered others  _ fully  _ before deciding what’s best. She considered their feelings, how they would react to her and act in general depending on the context or the situation. And how much she knew them. 

Rena realized this, finally, after four years: if Momoko wasn’t so amazing, she would have let her fears rule her and stop at nothing to separate Rena and Kaede. Even if it meant her friendship with them.

Momoko put that much thought into others, more so than what would make her breathe easy. 

And, in reality, Kaede had, too. 

For Rena, anyway—Kaede was ‘nice’ to Rena, selfish as she might be sometimes. 

“That summer,” Rena remembered, “our first as a team, with Mikazuki Villa, before we started dating…” The rest hit—the why of an important memory, in part because of how embarrassing it was. And not because of Kaede herself, but what she did to Rena, and how it highlighted her pathetic nature that was seen as a virtue. 

But Momoko wasn’t going to judge. 

Because she knew this memory was dearly loved. 

“Before we started dating,” Rena continued, “I don’t know why, but I was thinking about Christmas leading up to it—specifically how much Kaede annoyed me at the time, embarrassed me in front of everyone…” 

“I mean, in her defense, everyone who  _ looked  _ saw your, uh—” 

“I know! I know!” Rena yanked her pigtails. “But Kaede sucked for trying to draw attention to it! And to call me brave, tch!” But then summer came along. “But at the same time, I was wondering. Out of a dumb thought, like I don’t even know why, really,” Rena… lied, she realized. “Fucking dammit, I was wondering what my very first bikini should do! Like, what it should say, if that makes sense; how it should look—not just as a design, but  _ as me,  _ like.. _. _ ” 

“I understand. You’re given’ me flashbacks to when you girls were helping with mine.” Momoko blushed at the memory. 

Rena swallowed. Momoko was a knockout back then, as was Kaede adorable. But before any of that, Kaede had found Rena before it occurred to herself where she browsed: the skimpier swimsuits. 

“I thought Kaede was gonna make fun of me,” said Rena, “tease me about my… m-my breasts again…” Until Kaede leveled her a serious expression, that is; the one Rena never forgot about since Christmas: “She said, ‘You’re so brave, Rena-chan.’ With just the hardest, most serious look she’d ever given me. Since… Christmas.” 

Momoko nodded. 

“That’s what she said, but I took it as a tease.” Because why would Kaede do anything  _ remotely kind _ to someone she considered a dear friend? Enough to feel comfortable accepting Rena’s lifespan-shortening offer to go bikini shopping without so much as a tease? “But Kaede didn’t even flinch or react harshly. She called me ‘seriously brave,’ and confident, and pretty! She outright called me  _ pretty _ , the nerve!” Momoko chuckled, and Rena scowled only to realize she was smiling herself. “But what really stuck was how  _ jealous  _ she was. She said it was because of… who I  _ was _ . All these compliments she threw at me, y’know? She wasn’t seeing  _ what  _ I was. She wasn’t reacting to my body like I thought, but instead she was blown away by someone who entertained an idea so embarrassing and dumb and in front of  _ her, Kaede,  _ of all people _. _ ” 

“I vividly recall my surprise, seeing you come outta the dressing room in what you did.” Momoko smirked to the heavens. “I’m not as brave as Kaede though, to appraise you like that.” 

Rena remembered just as clearly how breezy her top was. “Kaede… is a dumb and horny animal,” she snorted to her surprise. “She’s also… unbearably kind. She could’ve teased me then instead of later. Or a lot more than she had, or every chance she got. She coulda shined a light on my obvious flex, but she knew that would just embarrass me more. Kaede… considered Rena,  _ and  _ my feelings. She thought about why I wanted to stand out. And it wasn’t because I was a slut, which is what I’d believed until then—that deep down she saw me as this pervert starved for attention.

“That was the moment I realized… just how much Kaede understood me, and considered me. She  _ knew  _ I was taking these risks, but instead of my fears or pettiness having control, she saw that I managed to do with ‘em anyway.” 

“She cared about you. Always.” Surely Momoko was also thinking back on their tenuous first week together just then.

“She was kind.” Rena’s definition of it, anyway. Still was, despite her selfishness: “All Kaede wants from me… is for me to be happy.” 

“And you honestly believe there’s no hope of salvaging that. Just because ya did something as final and decisive as write your name on the Friendship-Ending Staircase.” Momoko’s hand ascended to her lips. “Oops,” she muttered, “I mean, throwing your engagement ring at her.” 

Rena gripped the bench’s edge. “Okay, okay. I get it now.” She pushed herself up. “I get it. I’ll stop stalling.” 

Momoko shot up, reaching. “Wait, huh?! Rena—!” 

_ Kaede.  _ “Why’re  _ you  _ so surprised all of a sudden?” No more stalling. “This’s the corner you meant to drive me into, so make up your damn mind!” Kaede shouldn’t wait a minute longer. 

“It’s just, don’t rush it now!” Momoko’s hand was faster than Rena’s first step. Stronger, too—yanking her back.    
  
“Come on! When should I go?! I wanna stop feeling so shitty—!” 

Momoko scolded her with a finger, “Up-up! Selfishness again!” 

“But Kaede’s—!” 

“ _ Not _ gonna feel  _ any better  _ if ya don’t come prepared, and instead just bullrush to her place, guns blazing.” 

As if preparation would do a damn thing the moment sparks flew between them, which they definitely would before this was over. “Sometimes you got a  _ little  _ too much faith in us, They’ll-Be-Fine-san.” 

“Hey, I like to see the best in everyone!” Momoko smiled haplessly, twenty and brilliant and somehow naive. “Which is why you an’ I are gonna have a sleepover, brainstorm over what you’re gonna say to Kaede tomorrow. And don’t you try an’ stop me!” Furrowed brows joined her smile, a look Rena felt relieved to see. 

“I wasn’t gonna,” she half-lied. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this alone. I’m afraid of doing this alone.” Rena rubbed her elbow. “And… I’m sorry for taking advantage of your kindness, Momoko. But I’m more afraid of never telling Kaede… you know, what I want,” she mumbled, “from us—from this relationship—and… and how I really feel. Felt for years.” 

It was going to hurt. 

But they needed this for themselves, far more than one another in their lives. 

Such a horrible thought. 

But a real and simple one. 

And hopefully what their relationship needed, if it were to continue by some miracle. 

A big hand grasped Rena by the shoulder. Another, for the first time ever, cupped her cheek, forcing it upwards toward Momoko. 

Who smiled warm, the big sister she’d always been. 

“I love you guys,” she said, her soul looking into Rena’s. “You’re my precious people, and  _ those  _ are the ones worth sufferin’ bullshit for.” 

That bad habit of Rena’s conjured up a funny reaction in assuming the worst as usual. “I’m sorry,” she laughed, dragging a black sleeve across her eyes, “I know you were tying it back to Kaede and me, but you made it sound like you suffered this talk. Is the sleepover gonna be as bad as this was?” she asked as they strolled, leaving the lake behind. 

“Oh, what can I say?” Momoko elbowed her bicep. “A whole night with  _ Rena-chan?  _ Kaede’s amazing for wanting a lifetime o’ those.” 

Rena suppressed her smirk, because the fact that Momoko was actually pulling off such a joke was funny in its own way. And heartwarming. Enough for her to fire back, “Yeah. I dunno what she sees in me.” 

She almost broke character to the sound of Momoko’s choking as it fell behind. “W-wait, wait, Rena! I wasn’t being serious!” She jogged back up, the grass whispering louder as Rena’s footfalls clicked on the concrete. 

Only once her step fell back beside Rena’s, was Momoko graced with a smirk and eye contact. “Dumbass. I know you were joking.” 

Rena flashed her tongue, then jogged away as Momoko’s laughter and scolding hounded her. Rena’s frontal mass, heaving with the weight of at least a baby, was a throbbing reminder as to why she never moved as such outside of battle. 

And yet, also, why she did—all of Kaede’s oh-so-sneaky glances, all the times she called Rena beautiful. 

Those would have to wait one more night. Maybe a little longer. 

But they only had to wait now. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> The devil is in the details. Why would 21-year-old Sayuki be doppel-ready at a time like this - over two girls she'd never met after being a magical girl for four years by this point?


End file.
